"Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck," -- Joss Whedon
"I think it's harder to come up with ideas and solutions now. If these people were around today, they'd struggle. Newton wouldn't be allowed to sit under an apple tree because there'd probably be a Keep Off The Grass sign or apple trees would have fences around them to stop people nicking the apples. And Archimedes wouldn't have a bath due to a water shortage. He'd probably be advised to take a shower because it's better for the environment. And as for running down the street naked, he'd be banged up for that." --Karl Pilkington (Karlology)
"What makes you wonder about the nature of this god character is that he creates something [cocoanuts] that is so perfectly designed to be of benefit to human beings and then hangs it twenty feet above their heads on a tree with no branches [...] I can only think that the business with the apple must have upset him more than I realized." -- Douglas Adams (Last Chance to See) p. 47
"No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away -- until the clock he wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone's life, they say, is only the core of their actual existence." -- Reaper Man by Terry Pratchett, p. 317
"Everyone wants something from Vimes, even though I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Hell, I'm probably a spoon." -- Sam Vimes (Thud! by Terry Pratchett)
"I find clothes a distraction from the pursuit of spiritual and intellectual fulfillment." -- Enlightened Cat / Danny John Jules
"That's weird, because I find spiritual and intellectual fulfillment a distraction from the pursuit of clothes!" -- Cat / Danny John Jules (Red Dwarf)
"You can't dangle the bogus carrot of possible reconciliation whilst riding some other donkey!" -- Tim Bisley / Simon Pegg (Spaced)
"Better safe than stupid." --Chuck (Early Edition)
"The people I can't comprehend are the people that are hardcore pro-life and hardcore pro-death-penalty. It's like saying don't kill 'em yet. Just wait and see how they turn out first. Let's see if the afterschool program works and if not, then we'll whack 'em. That's not pro-life! That's pro...crastinating." -- Lee Camp
"There's a time when you can share and you hold hands and be on the same path. But there's always a fork in the road... at some point. And sometimes you have to go on one part of the fork and they gotta go on the other part of the fork. Or just down the back part of the fork while you go forward. And they're like *sigh* Or they got a salad fork and you have one of the big dinner forks and you have longer to go but they're like done because that's it, they're stuck on a piece of food, that they *sigh*. A desert fork or like one of those, you know small little shrimp forks or crab forks and you're trying to get out a crab. They're like that and you're over here jumping to the huge serving fork or something like that, or a ladle, you know. " --Gherhart/Alan Tudyk (28 Days)
9.4.09
Serious Quotes
"Any problem solved is a new problem made." --Karl Pilkington (The Ricky Gervais Show 5.1)
"This country is my rock and my soul rolls with my faith in God," -Christian Kane (America High)
"Turn back Sarah. Turn back before it's too late," -Jareth/David Bowie (Labyrinth)
"If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe." --Carl Sagan.
“Because we do not know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. And yet everything happens only a certain number of times; and a very small number really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood; an afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you cant conceive of your life without it? Perhaps 4 or 5 times more? Perhaps not even that many. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps 20. And yet it all seems limitless."- Brandon Lee
"Reality is what we take to be true. What we take to be true is what we believe. What we believe is based upon our perceptions. What we perceive depends upon what we look for. What we look for depends upon what we think. What we think depends upon what we perceive. What we perceive determines what we believe. What we believe determines what we take to be true. What we take to be true is our reality." - Gary Zukav
"Even the word HOPELESS has HOPE in it," -Kochanski/Chloe Annette (Red Dwarf)
"I do therefore I be, I be therefore I do, To be or not to be, do be do be do."
"You're like an upside-down rainbow. You're smile brings out the sun and that's why you're my best friend," --Mickey/Alex Solowitz to QT/Michael Cuccione (2Ge+her)
"Yes, it's terribly simple. The good-guys are always star awarded and true. The bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats and we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies and everyone lives happily ever after," --Giles/Anthony Stewart Head (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"Here's the thing, there's moments in your life that make you. That sets the course of who you're gonna be. Sometimes they're little subtle moments; sometimes they're not. I'll show you what I mean. Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asked for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we? Helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help dat. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are. You'll see what I mean," --Whistler/Max Perlich (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"The words you use the most like the "lie" in believe, the "I" in deceive, the "her" in together, the "we" in the weather," --Blessid Union of Souls
"Sometimes I miss him on stage. We'll be together, but alone and it's like we lead these lives which are simultaneous. It's like they're parallel lives going in the same direction, but they never meet,"-Darren Hayes (Parallel Lives)
"This is my story. A young knight seduced to the dark side. Fortunately I was seduced back again," --Brian Cruver/Christian Kane (The Crooked E)
"There is the house whose people sit in darkness; dust is their food and clay their meat. They are clothed like birds with wings for covering, they see no light, they sit in darkness. I entered the house of dust and I saw the kings of the earth, their crowns put away for ever; rulers and princes, all those who once wore kingly crowns and ruled the world in the days of old," -- Gilgamesh
"No one adult human being is happy! People are born, they have a limited amount of time going around thinking life is dandy but then, inevitably, tragedy strikes and they realize life equals loss! The whole point of the game is to minimize the pain caused by that equation! Now some people do it by having kids, or making money, or taking up coin collecting, and others do it by getting wasted." --Jasper/Dominic West (28 Days)
"Lord marshal Agamemnon rose in their midst, streaming tears like a dark spring tunning down some desolate rock face, its shaded currents flowing," -- Homer (The Iliad)
"Every person always finds in each work of art only that for which his soul has prepared him. Therein lies the strength and inexhaustible quality of a work of art," -- Jawlensky
"I was on the verge of jumping into one of those holes in life out of which we emerge a bit tattered and bloody though we remain nonetheless sure that we had to make the jump." --Dalva (Dalva by Jim Harrison pg. 65)
"I've given you my soul, leave me my name" -- John Proctor (The Crucible by Arthur Miller)
This is how the world ends. Not with a bang but with a whimper. (T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men")
"You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image, when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do." -- Anne Lamott (Bird by Bird)
"If they killed him tonight, at least he would die alive." -- The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
"Americans are brought up to believe that they can be the next president of the United States. Brits are told 'It won't happen to you.'" --Ricky Gervais
Funny Scenes
Ilana: Does anyone want to say anything? Didn't any of you know him?
Ben: All right, I knew him. John Locke was a believer. He was a man of faith. He was a much better man than I'll ever be, and I've very sorry I murdered him.
Lapidus: This is the weirdest damn funeral I've ever been to. (Lost)
Dean (to Cas): You don't watch porn in a room full of dudes, and you don't TALK about it.
[Samuel walks in.]
Samuel: Is this what you boys do? Sit around, watch pornos with angels?
Cas: We're not supposed to talk about it. (Supernatural)
Rob: I just sort of looked at her differently.
Paul: Did she look at you differently?
Rob: No, not in the slightest. I had a moment, but I'm pretty sure she didn't.
Paul: What did she have?
Rob: A Twix.
(Plus One)
Karl Pilkington: I just remember learning at school, they cure cancer.
Stephen Merchant: Jaffa Cakes cure cancer?
Karl: Not, like, fully.
Stephen: Right. They just give some weight to helping.
Karl: Yeah. It will sort of help. If you've got it, you can't say "Right get me a load of Jaffa Cakes," but I think it sort of puts a bit of a stop to it if you haven't got it. It's like having vitamin tablets.
Stephen: Is this medically proven? Should we get Dr. Fox down have to confirm that?
Ricky Gervais: I can't...I actually can't cope. You're just...play a record, play a record.
(The Ricky Gervais Show season 1, episode 10)
"You were gonna kill him!" --Frank Stein/Matt Lawrence"He killed me first!" --Carl/Ryan Reynolds
"You were robbing him!" --Frank
"Do you want to graduate in one or two pieces? Back off!" --Carl (Bolt neck)
"Alright. I'll tell you the truth," -Edwin Dingle/Danny Kaye
"Now you're coming to your senses. Get every word of this Ms. Hutchinson," -O'Bryan
"Well, I went to Smidt's Delicatessen for some potato salad. The harp music made me feel cold and damp and the potato salad turned into Prospect Park and then I jumped off the bus and there was Buster walking in a block of stone because he was dead and the water squirted through his head, but the police man didn't feel him when he kicked him because he was swinging by his tails in a tree. Or that he though he was. Then he put his arm around the girl and she didn't see him but the sailor knocked me down. That's when Buster got inside my body and started to dance," -Edwin
"Holy jumping republicans! Throw this maniac out of here. Throw him in the river. Do anything with him!" -O'Bryan (Wonder Man)
"I knew you were ok. If it were serious the guys at work wouldn't be making jokes about it," -Marty/Tiffani Theisen
"Jokes? What kind of jokes?" -Pete Dunville/Rich Ruccolo
"I can't remember," --Marty
"No, really. What kind of jokes?" -Pete
"What's faster than a baby bear?" --Marty
"I don't know, what?" -Pete
"Not Pete," --Marty
"That's a joke?" -Pete
"Well, it was funny over the loud speaker," --Marty (2 guys and a girl)
"What were you doing?" -- Cooper/Mark-Paul Gosselaar
"Uh, nothing." -- Matt /Corey Page
"You were singing a showtune." --Cooper
"No I wasn't." --Matt
"You can't be suicidal if you're singing showtunes. Look at you. You're not even depressed!" --Cooper
"Yes I am. Look at me, I'm very f***ing depressed." --Matt
"You f***ing poser!" --Cooper
"I am not a f***ing pose..." --Matt
*gasp* "You're not even British!" --Cooper (Dead Man on Campus)
"Oh look, your wallet's out onto the ice!" -Pete/Rich Ruccolo
"Alright, I need a big stick," -Johnny/ Nathan Fillion
"I don't think a stick is gonna reach that," -Berg/Ryan Reynolds
"No! To beat Pete!" -Johnny (Two Guys and a Girl)
"It's two day's 'till Christmas and Sharon's really…screwed. Lost her cushy job, has to sell her car, gonna be a…gardener…" -Berg/Ryan Reynolds
"And Berg has to work on Christmas Day!" -Sharon Carter/Traylor Howard (2 guys and a girl)
“I'm gonna have a little farm on Fiji. I'm gonna have a sheep and a cow and breed horses." --Lister/Craig Charles
“With a sheep and a cow?”—Rimmer/Chris Barrie
“With horses and horses.”--Lister(Red Dwarf)
"Maybe we slipped into another dimension, like through a portal or something. A space-time continuum. A black hole or a red dwarf. A time warp! Maybe we fell into some sort of time warp. Abducted. Yes! Maybe that's it: we were abducted by aliens and they've taken us back to their planet and put us in some kind of zoo with a sign that says: Don't feed the humans, which is crazy because we'll die, and who's going to want to go to a zoo to see two dead humans? Unless they're going to eat US, but why wouldn't they want to fatten us up before the slaughter? Unless they are feeding us, and we just don't know it, or they're not feeding us and they're just waiting and watching to see how we'll react. What are you doing?!"--Andrew/Andrew Miller"
I'm making a trap!" -- Dave/David Hewlett
"For what?" -- Andrew
"The food! The food, you idiot, the food!" -- Dave (Nothing)
"What's there?" --Peacock
"Nobody," -Plum/Christopher Lloyd
"What do you mean nobody?" -Peacock
"No body. Mr. Body's body. It's gone!" -Plum (Clue)
"AHH!" --Judy/Kirsten Dunst
"What?!" --Alan/Robin Williams
"Nothing!" --Judy
"You don't go 'AHH!' for nothing!" --Alan (Jumanji)
"I'm going to call the thief that stole my cell phone right up and give him a piece of my mind!" -Pete/Richard Ruccolo
"Oh my daddy gave me one of these. But who would be calling me?" -Irene
"Hello?" -Pete
"Hello?!" -Irene
"Hello? I can't hear over you,"-Pete
"Sorry," -Irene
"Hello? Huh. He hung up," -Pete
"God, you guys are dumb."-Berg/Ryan Reynolds (Two guys and a girl)
"I lost my cell phone," -Sharon/Traylor Howard
"Try calling yourself, maybe it'll ring," -Johnny/Nathan Fillion
"Good idea. I better not answer it. That would really freak me out," -Sharon (TGAAG)
"Please state your name," -Ground Controller
"You're the ground controller? Man, reality sucks," -Cat/Danny John Jules
"You're name is Reality Sucks? I don't have you on my list for clearance Mr. Sucks," -Ground controller
"I'm outta here!" -Cat
"Wait! Come back Mr. Sucks! Come back!" -Ground controller (Red Dwarf)
"Feeling better are we, love?" -Spike/James Marsters
"I'm naming the stars," -Dru/Juliet Landau
"You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also it's day," -Spike
"I can see them. But I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion," -Dru (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"You can't have my shiny thing! I found it. It's my shiny thing," -Cat/Danny John Jules
"What are you dribbling on about?" -Rimmer/Chris Barry
"This is my shiny thing!" -Cat
"It's a yo-yo you modo," -Rimmer
"It does two amazing things. You see on one hand you have the shiny thing up here and the string down here at the bottom…OR! This is the clever part. You have the string up here at the top and the shiny thing down where the string used to be!" -Cat
"You have no idea what that is for, do you?" -Rimmer
"Sure I do grease-stain! You move the shiny thing and…ow! The string is moving! Get the string, get the string!" -Cat
"Hey!" -Cory/Ben Savage
"What are you doing?!" -Shawn/Rider Strong
"I was being you!" -Cory
"That wasn't me. That was Fonzie!" -Shawn (Boy Meets World)
"…identity crisis…" -Wesley/Alexis Denisof
"Look, I'm Angel," -Cordelia/Charisma Carpender
"He doesn't generally spin that much," -Wesley
"I got it. This is Angel. 'No I can't do anything fun today. I have to count my pass sins, then alphabetize them. Oh yeah, and I'm thinking about snapping on Thursday," -Cordelia (Angel)
"An air salon?" -Frank/Patrick Duffy
"No, a air salon. Like the air on your ed. Are you ard of earing?" -Jean-Luc/Bronson Pinchot
"No, I ear perfectly fine," -Frank (Step by Step)
"'Dear Buffy...' Hmmm. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards," -Angel/David Boreanaz
"Why don't you rip her lungs out? That might make an impression," -Spike/James Marsters
"Lacks... poetry," -Angel
"Doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?" -spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"Crap. I've got a husband, lots of little pink children and more money than I can reasonably manage," -Anya/Emma
"That means you're winning," -Xander/Nicholas Brendan
"It does? Oh good, can I trade in the children for more money?" -Anya / Emma Caufeild (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"Why is everyone so concerned with Berg? Huh? Why isn't anyone concerned about me? You know I'm dealing with a lot of difficult emotions right now. Now will someone please find me a stick and help me pick my underwear out of a tree, I'm late for a train!" -Pete/Richard Ruccolo
"But where are you going?" -Sharon/Traylor Howard
"Albany," -Pete
"What?!" -Sharon
"Susan and I are going to see where we stand," -Pete
"Wow. I bet your brain's no bigger than a pea," -Ashley/Susan Crier
"What I think Ashley means to say is sweety I think you just need to slow down and think about what this will do to your relationship with Berg," -Sharon
"No, what I meant was that if we had a pea and then Pete's brain and compare…" -Ashley
"Ok, thank you!" -Sharon"Berg will get over it. He always does. When he went out with Marty without telling me, I got over it," -Pete
"Really?" -Sharon
"No! But we're still friends!" -Pete (Two Guys and a Girl)
"Dad wake up, it's the gnomes," -kid
"Huh? I don't here any phone. There's no phone," -Dad
"Not the phone, the gnomes," -Kid
"The Gnomes are calling at this hour?" -mom
"They're not calling, they're missing," -kid
"What's missing?" -mom
"Nothing's missing. It's just a dream," -dad
"It's not a dream!" -kid
"I know when something is a dream. Go back to bed," -Dad (Goosebumps)
"He's not pointing at the tick-tock, he's pointing at his boo-boo. He wants his boo-boo," -mom
"I thought he was getting a new boo-boo," -man
"Turn the car around. We're going to the tick-tock to get the boo-boo," -guy (Baby's Day Out)
"Pardon me, is this the bus to Potato Salad?" - Edwin/Danny Kaye
"Whoa, give me that one more time. Slow," -Bus Driver
"I need to get to Prospect Park," -Edwin
"Oh, I thought you said you wanted to go to Potato Salad," -Bus Driver
"I do. Now hurry. I must get to the Buzzy Park," -Edwin
"You live in Brooklin?" -Man
"No," -Edwin
"Then why are you going to Brooklin?" -Man
"I'm not," -Edwin
"The bus is," -Man
"No, it's going to Smidt's Delicatessen," -Edwin
"It is? What for?" -Man
"Potato salad. Potato Salad!" -Edwin (Wonder Man)
"You could have had it, but you didn't have what it takes. An evil hand. I mean who here does? Leon doesn't. Charlie doesn't.You do know you gave me an evil hand right? I've been writing KILL KILL KILL on everything. It's crazy! It's crazy. Anything could happen," -Lindsey/Christian Kane"Alan…" -Nathan"Alan, how are you? Uh oh. Uh oh! Ooo! That's gonna hurt in the morning. Come here. Stop it evil hand, stop it! I just can't control my evil hand! Nathin, I'm so proud that you chose me. Charlie! But if I were in your shoes, I would have chosen Lilah. I'm gonna tell you why. Do you know how many hours this chick has logged in? The files she has on you guys? Deep stuff. Ronny, your stock manipulations, Nathan's offshore accounts. Can you imagin if something would have happened to this girl and those files got back to the senior partners? They'd eat you alive! She's been working overtime boys. She's everything you've ever dreamed of. Lilah is your guy. Me? I'm unreliable. I've got these evil hand issues and I'm bored with this crap. Besides, I'm leaving and if you wanna chase me, be my guest and remember…EVIL. Charlie! Good luck Evil!" -Lindsey (Angel ep. Dead End)
You've got no business…why…why aren't you trying to kill me?" -Lindsey/Christian Kane
"Excuse me, I'm on a case here Lindsey. Does everything always have you be about killing you all the time?" -Angel/David Boreanaz
"I can see you guys got issues, so I'm just gonna…" -Guy
"That's my lead! You're choking MY lead!" -Lindsey
"'He's my lead, he's my lead!' What are we in the school yard here? Look, you wanna get to the bottom of this, you gotta learn to play with others. Ok, look. I'm gonna loosen the rope and you're gonna tell me all about your parolly Bradley Scott," -Angel
"Who?" -Lindsey
"The guy's hand you're wearin' so you might wanna listen up," -Angel
"You don't tell me what to do," Lindsey
"He's so immature," -Angel
"SHUT UP!" -Lindsey (Angel ep. Dead End)
"Oh, it's just you inspector," -Pete/Richard Ruccolo
"What are you doing here Dunville?" -Inspector
"It's just that fire fascinates me. How can fire be so beautiful but so hurtful?" -Pete
"Well put," -Inspector
"So, have you found out what started the fire?" -Pete
"Yep. Someone put hazardous cardboard by this furnace. When this baby started up, it was hot time in old town," -Inspector
"Shouldn't the furnace be in the basement?" -Pete
"No, you see there was a wall here and someone put cardboard in the little door here," -Inspector.
"Oh. Oh! OH! So this cardboard could be a shoebox, or a cereal box, or say a smoke detector box…" -Pete
"Good work Dunville. Those are all very good examples of cardboard," Inspector
"So, did you figure out who did it?" -Pete
"No, it could have been anyone," -Inspector
"Oh so, no evidence, case closed right?" -Pete
"I'd say it was either a very clever arsonist or someone who knows nothing about fire prevention," -Inspector
"Suppose that rules out you and me then, huh?" -Pete(Two Guys and a Girl)
"Mitty! What in the violent tarnation are you and that pigeon trying to do?" -Pierce
"Mr. Pierce, you gotta listen to me. I was out there hanging by my hands. A tall doctor pushed me out the window!" -Walter/Danny Kaye
"What's is this insane? What tall doctor?" -Pierce
"The one you sent in to me to tell me the story. He didn't come in to tell me any story. He just came in to push me out the window!" -Walter
"I didn't send anyone in to push you out the window! I've got more important things to do," -Pierce (The Secret Life of Walter Mitty)
"Ashley's pregnant and I'm not the father," -Berg/Ryan Reynolds
"Johnny!"-Sharon/Traylor Howard
"Not Johnny! It was Pete!" -Berg/Ryan
"WHAT?!" -Pete/Richard Ruccolo
"Oh Pete, I knew you didn't love me," -Irene
"Irene…now come on…""NO! Irene!" "She's got a gun!" -Pete/Richard
"No! I was reaching for a tissue!" -Irene
"What?"-Pete/Richard
"You lied to us?" -Berg/Ryan Reynolds
"I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at Pete," -Hobo Chad
"I don't understand. We invited you into our home and gave you dinner. Why would you lie to us and get us al fighting with each other?" -Ashley/Susan Crier
"My version of dinner and a show. Now if you don't mind, I'm off to feed the homeless," -Hobo Chad(Two Guys and a Girl)
"Two Listers? Two Listers and a man with pointy teeth." -Rimmer1/Chris Barry
"Hi." -Lister3/Craig Charles
"Three Listers?! Great, maybe Lister here can pour a drink for Lister and Lister. Rimmer can't have one because he's dead, but I wouldn't mind a drink!" -Rimmer1
"I don't mean to confuse anyone, but I'm the Rimmer from that Listers time. Now listen closely. From here on in, things get just a little complicated," -Rimmer3
"May I just say one thing before we get started? GO AWAY!" -Rimmer1 (Red Dwarf)
"Curt, you don't want to end up like Sadly I'm Bradley," -- Tom / Fab Filippo
"Sadly, I'm Bradley," -- Bradley / Don McKellar
"Yeah, that's pretty funny, huh?" -- Tom
"No. Sadly, I am Bradley," -- Bradley
"Oh, Brad, hi. The receptionist must have..." -- Tom (Waydowntown)
[Chau is trying to organize a protest rally to bring back the recently cancelled TV show "The Education of Max Bickford."] Chau Presley: Check out my sign. [Holds up a sign that reads "We Don't Need No Education!"] Chau Presley: We don't need no education. Get it? *"Education"*, "The Education of Max Bickford".
Euan: But it says we don't need it.
Chau Presley: No it says "We *don't* need *no* education". It's a double negative, which means we *do* need it!
Mike Platt: Chau, I'm not sure how to tell you this but, I think your sign's a little retarded!
Chau Presley: Yeah, retarded. Like a fox!
"If I tell you something weird, will you think I'm crazy?" -- Helena
"Yes, I expect so." -- Valentine
"Every time I look in a window, I see someone who isn't me." -- Helena
"How odd. That happens to me all the time. Me. Window. Look through it. Not me. The ones I see myself in are called mirrors." -- Valentine (MirrorMask)
"Right, and you reckon that's the charm, hmm?" -- Minister
"Yes." -- Citizen 1
"I'd have to say, to me, it looks rather like half a brick." -- Minister
"Not really. Well... a bit..." -- Citizen 1
"It is half a brick isn't it?" -- Minister
"Ermmmmm..." -- Citizen 1
"Good try, thanks for coming. Next." -- Minister
"The charm." -- Citizen 2
"No, that's actually a chicken." --Minister
"The charm." -- Citizen 2
"I understand this must be quite painful for you but really it is a chicken." -- Minister
"I keep trying to tell him, he just doesn't listen." -- Chicken (MirrorMask)
Chris: "You look like something out of the Adams Family."
Sam: "Up all night."
Chris: "What was her name?"
Sam: "Migraine."
Chris: "German bird?" (Life on Mars)
Ben: All right, I knew him. John Locke was a believer. He was a man of faith. He was a much better man than I'll ever be, and I've very sorry I murdered him.
Lapidus: This is the weirdest damn funeral I've ever been to. (Lost)
Dean (to Cas): You don't watch porn in a room full of dudes, and you don't TALK about it.
[Samuel walks in.]
Samuel: Is this what you boys do? Sit around, watch pornos with angels?
Cas: We're not supposed to talk about it. (Supernatural)
Rob: I just sort of looked at her differently.
Paul: Did she look at you differently?
Rob: No, not in the slightest. I had a moment, but I'm pretty sure she didn't.
Paul: What did she have?
Rob: A Twix.
(Plus One)
Karl Pilkington: I just remember learning at school, they cure cancer.
Stephen Merchant: Jaffa Cakes cure cancer?
Karl: Not, like, fully.
Stephen: Right. They just give some weight to helping.
Karl: Yeah. It will sort of help. If you've got it, you can't say "Right get me a load of Jaffa Cakes," but I think it sort of puts a bit of a stop to it if you haven't got it. It's like having vitamin tablets.
Stephen: Is this medically proven? Should we get Dr. Fox down have to confirm that?
Ricky Gervais: I can't...I actually can't cope. You're just...play a record, play a record.
(The Ricky Gervais Show season 1, episode 10)
"You were gonna kill him!" --Frank Stein/Matt Lawrence"He killed me first!" --Carl/Ryan Reynolds
"You were robbing him!" --Frank
"Do you want to graduate in one or two pieces? Back off!" --Carl (Bolt neck)
"Alright. I'll tell you the truth," -Edwin Dingle/Danny Kaye
"Now you're coming to your senses. Get every word of this Ms. Hutchinson," -O'Bryan
"Well, I went to Smidt's Delicatessen for some potato salad. The harp music made me feel cold and damp and the potato salad turned into Prospect Park and then I jumped off the bus and there was Buster walking in a block of stone because he was dead and the water squirted through his head, but the police man didn't feel him when he kicked him because he was swinging by his tails in a tree. Or that he though he was. Then he put his arm around the girl and she didn't see him but the sailor knocked me down. That's when Buster got inside my body and started to dance," -Edwin
"Holy jumping republicans! Throw this maniac out of here. Throw him in the river. Do anything with him!" -O'Bryan (Wonder Man)
"I knew you were ok. If it were serious the guys at work wouldn't be making jokes about it," -Marty/Tiffani Theisen
"Jokes? What kind of jokes?" -Pete Dunville/Rich Ruccolo
"I can't remember," --Marty
"No, really. What kind of jokes?" -Pete
"What's faster than a baby bear?" --Marty
"I don't know, what?" -Pete
"Not Pete," --Marty
"That's a joke?" -Pete
"Well, it was funny over the loud speaker," --Marty (2 guys and a girl)
"What were you doing?" -- Cooper/Mark-Paul Gosselaar
"Uh, nothing." -- Matt /Corey Page
"You were singing a showtune." --Cooper
"No I wasn't." --Matt
"You can't be suicidal if you're singing showtunes. Look at you. You're not even depressed!" --Cooper
"Yes I am. Look at me, I'm very f***ing depressed." --Matt
"You f***ing poser!" --Cooper
"I am not a f***ing pose..." --Matt
*gasp* "You're not even British!" --Cooper (Dead Man on Campus)
"Oh look, your wallet's out onto the ice!" -Pete/Rich Ruccolo
"Alright, I need a big stick," -Johnny/ Nathan Fillion
"I don't think a stick is gonna reach that," -Berg/Ryan Reynolds
"No! To beat Pete!" -Johnny (Two Guys and a Girl)
"It's two day's 'till Christmas and Sharon's really…screwed. Lost her cushy job, has to sell her car, gonna be a…gardener…" -Berg/Ryan Reynolds
“I'm gonna have a little farm on Fiji. I'm gonna have a sheep and a cow and breed horses." --Lister/Craig Charles
“With a sheep and a cow?”—Rimmer/Chris Barrie
“With horses and horses.”--Lister(Red Dwarf)
"Maybe we slipped into another dimension, like through a portal or something. A space-time continuum. A black hole or a red dwarf. A time warp! Maybe we fell into some sort of time warp. Abducted. Yes! Maybe that's it: we were abducted by aliens and they've taken us back to their planet and put us in some kind of zoo with a sign that says: Don't feed the humans, which is crazy because we'll die, and who's going to want to go to a zoo to see two dead humans? Unless they're going to eat US, but why wouldn't they want to fatten us up before the slaughter? Unless they are feeding us, and we just don't know it, or they're not feeding us and they're just waiting and watching to see how we'll react. What are you doing?!"--Andrew/Andrew Miller"
I'm making a trap!" -- Dave/David Hewlett
"For what?" -- Andrew
"The food! The food, you idiot, the food!" -- Dave (Nothing)
"What's there?" --Peacock
"Nobody," -Plum/Christopher Lloyd
"What do you mean nobody?" -Peacock
"No body. Mr. Body's body. It's gone!" -Plum (Clue)
"AHH!" --Judy/Kirsten Dunst
"What?!" --Alan/Robin Williams
"Nothing!" --Judy
"You don't go 'AHH!' for nothing!" --Alan (Jumanji)
"I'm going to call the thief that stole my cell phone right up and give him a piece of my mind!" -Pete/Richard Ruccolo
"Oh my daddy gave me one of these. But who would be calling me?" -Irene
"Hello?!" -Irene
"Hello? I can't hear over you,"-Pete
"Sorry," -Irene
"Hello? Huh. He hung up," -Pete
"God, you guys are dumb."-Berg/Ryan Reynolds (Two guys and a girl)
"I lost my cell phone," -Sharon/Traylor Howard
"Try calling yourself, maybe it'll ring," -Johnny/Nathan Fillion
"Good idea. I better not answer it. That would really freak me out," -Sharon (TGAAG)
"Please state your name," -Ground Controller
"You're the ground controller? Man, reality sucks," -Cat/Danny John Jules
"You're name is Reality Sucks? I don't have you on my list for clearance Mr. Sucks," -Ground controller
"I'm outta here!" -Cat
"Wait! Come back Mr. Sucks! Come back!" -Ground controller (Red Dwarf)
"Feeling better are we, love?" -Spike/James Marsters
"I'm naming the stars," -Dru/Juliet Landau
"You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also it's day," -Spike
"I can see them. But I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion," -Dru (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"You can't have my shiny thing! I found it. It's my shiny thing," -Cat/Danny John Jules
"What are you dribbling on about?" -Rimmer/Chris Barry
"This is my shiny thing!" -Cat
"It's a yo-yo you modo," -Rimmer
"It does two amazing things. You see on one hand you have the shiny thing up here and the string down here at the bottom…OR! This is the clever part. You have the string up here at the top and the shiny thing down where the string used to be!" -Cat
"You have no idea what that is for, do you?" -Rimmer
"Sure I do grease-stain! You move the shiny thing and…ow! The string is moving! Get the string, get the string!" -Cat
"Hey!" -Cory/Ben Savage
"What are you doing?!" -Shawn/Rider Strong
"I was being you!" -Cory
"That wasn't me. That was Fonzie!" -Shawn (Boy Meets World)
"…identity crisis…" -Wesley/Alexis Denisof
"Look, I'm Angel," -Cordelia/Charisma Carpender
"He doesn't generally spin that much," -Wesley
"I got it. This is Angel. 'No I can't do anything fun today. I have to count my pass sins, then alphabetize them. Oh yeah, and I'm thinking about snapping on Thursday," -Cordelia (Angel)
"An air salon?" -Frank/Patrick Duffy
"No, a air salon. Like the air on your ed. Are you ard of earing?" -Jean-Luc/Bronson Pinchot
"No, I ear perfectly fine," -Frank (Step by Step)
"'Dear Buffy...' Hmmm. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards," -Angel/David Boreanaz
"Why don't you rip her lungs out? That might make an impression," -Spike/James Marsters
"Lacks... poetry," -Angel
"Doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?" -spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"Crap. I've got a husband, lots of little pink children and more money than I can reasonably manage," -Anya/Emma
"That means you're winning," -Xander/Nicholas Brendan
"It does? Oh good, can I trade in the children for more money?" -Anya / Emma Caufeild (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"Why is everyone so concerned with Berg? Huh? Why isn't anyone concerned about me? You know I'm dealing with a lot of difficult emotions right now. Now will someone please find me a stick and help me pick my underwear out of a tree, I'm late for a train!" -Pete/Richard Ruccolo
"But where are you going?" -Sharon/Traylor Howard
"Albany," -Pete
"What?!" -Sharon
"Susan and I are going to see where we stand," -Pete
"Wow. I bet your brain's no bigger than a pea," -Ashley/Susan Crier
"What I think Ashley means to say is sweety I think you just need to slow down and think about what this will do to your relationship with Berg," -Sharon
"No, what I meant was that if we had a pea and then Pete's brain and compare…" -Ashley
"Ok, thank you!" -Sharon"Berg will get over it. He always does. When he went out with Marty without telling me, I got over it," -Pete
"Really?" -Sharon
"No! But we're still friends!" -Pete (Two Guys and a Girl)
"Dad wake up, it's the gnomes," -kid
"Huh? I don't here any phone. There's no phone," -Dad
"Not the phone, the gnomes," -Kid
"The Gnomes are calling at this hour?" -mom
"They're not calling, they're missing," -kid
"What's missing?" -mom
"Nothing's missing. It's just a dream," -dad
"It's not a dream!" -kid
"I know when something is a dream. Go back to bed," -Dad (Goosebumps)
"He's not pointing at the tick-tock, he's pointing at his boo-boo. He wants his boo-boo," -mom
"I thought he was getting a new boo-boo," -man
"Turn the car around. We're going to the tick-tock to get the boo-boo," -guy (Baby's Day Out)
"Pardon me, is this the bus to Potato Salad?" - Edwin/Danny Kaye
"Whoa, give me that one more time. Slow," -Bus Driver
"I need to get to Prospect Park," -Edwin
"Oh, I thought you said you wanted to go to Potato Salad," -Bus Driver
"I do. Now hurry. I must get to the Buzzy Park," -Edwin
"You live in Brooklin?" -Man
"No," -Edwin
"Then why are you going to Brooklin?" -Man
"I'm not," -Edwin
"The bus is," -Man
"No, it's going to Smidt's Delicatessen," -Edwin
"It is? What for?" -Man
"Potato salad. Potato Salad!" -Edwin (Wonder Man)
"You could have had it, but you didn't have what it takes. An evil hand. I mean who here does? Leon doesn't. Charlie doesn't.
You've got no business…why…why aren't you trying to kill me?" -Lindsey/Christian Kane
"Excuse me, I'm on a case here Lindsey. Does everything always have you be about killing you all the time?" -Angel/David Boreanaz
"I can see you guys got issues, so I'm just gonna…" -Guy
"That's my lead! You're choking MY lead!" -Lindsey
"'He's my lead, he's my lead!' What are we in the school yard here? Look, you wanna get to the bottom of this, you gotta learn to play with others. Ok, look. I'm gonna loosen the rope and you're gonna tell me all about your parolly Bradley Scott," -Angel
"Who?" -Lindsey
"The guy's hand you're wearin' so you might wanna listen up," -Angel
"You don't tell me what to do," Lindsey
"He's so immature," -Angel
"SHUT UP!" -Lindsey (Angel ep. Dead End)
"What are you doing here Dunville?" -Inspector
"It's just that fire fascinates me. How can fire be so beautiful but so hurtful?" -Pete
"Well put," -Inspector
"So, have you found out what started the fire?" -Pete
"Yep. Someone put hazardous cardboard by this furnace. When this baby started up, it was hot time in old town," -Inspector
"Shouldn't the furnace be in the basement?" -Pete
"No, you see there was a wall here and someone put cardboard in the little door here," -Inspector.
"Oh. Oh! OH! So this cardboard could be a shoebox, or a cereal box, or say a smoke detector box…" -Pete
"Good work Dunville. Those are all very good examples of cardboard," Inspector
"So, did you figure out who did it?" -Pete
"No, it could have been anyone," -Inspector
"Oh so, no evidence, case closed right?" -Pete
"I'd say it was either a very clever arsonist or someone who knows nothing about fire prevention," -Inspector
"Suppose that rules out you and me then, huh?" -Pete
"Mitty! What in the violent tarnation are you and that pigeon trying to do?" -Pierce
"Mr. Pierce, you gotta listen to me. I was out there hanging by my hands. A tall doctor pushed me out the window!" -Walter/Danny Kaye
"What's is this insane? What tall doctor?" -Pierce
"The one you sent in to me to tell me the story. He didn't come in to tell me any story. He just came in to push me out the window!" -Walter
"I didn't send anyone in to push you out the window! I've got more important things to do," -Pierce (The Secret Life of Walter Mitty)
"Ashley's pregnant and I'm not the father," -Berg/Ryan Reynolds
"Johnny!"
"Not Johnny! It was Pete!" -Berg/Ryan
"WHAT?!" -Pete/Richard Ruccolo
"Oh Pete, I knew you didn't love me," -Irene
"Irene…now come on…"
"No! I was reaching for a tissue!" -Irene
"What?"
"You lied to us?" -Berg/Ryan Reynolds
"I don't understand. We invited you into our home and gave you dinner. Why would you lie to us and get us al fighting with each other?" -Ashley/Susan Crier
"My version of dinner and a show. Now if you don't mind, I'm off to feed the homeless," -Hobo Chad
"Two Listers? Two Listers and a man with pointy teeth." -Rimmer1/Chris Barry
"Hi." -Lister3/Craig Charles
"Three Listers?! Great, maybe Lister here can pour a drink for Lister and Lister. Rimmer can't have one because he's dead, but I wouldn't mind a drink!" -Rimmer1
"I don't mean to confuse anyone, but I'm the Rimmer from that Listers time. Now listen closely. From here on in, things get just a little complicated," -Rimmer3
"May I just say one thing before we get started? GO AWAY!" -Rimmer1 (Red Dwarf)
"Curt, you don't want to end up like Sadly I'm Bradley," -- Tom / Fab Filippo
"Sadly, I'm Bradley," -- Bradley / Don McKellar
"Yeah, that's pretty funny, huh?" -- Tom
"No. Sadly, I am Bradley," -- Bradley
"Oh, Brad, hi. The receptionist must have..." -- Tom (Waydowntown)
[Chau is trying to organize a protest rally to bring back the recently cancelled TV show "The Education of Max Bickford."] Chau Presley: Check out my sign. [Holds up a sign that reads "We Don't Need No Education!"] Chau Presley: We don't need no education. Get it? *"Education"*, "The Education of Max Bickford".
Euan: But it says we don't need it.
Chau Presley: No it says "We *don't* need *no* education". It's a double negative, which means we *do* need it!
Mike Platt: Chau, I'm not sure how to tell you this but, I think your sign's a little retarded!
Chau Presley: Yeah, retarded. Like a fox!
"If I tell you something weird, will you think I'm crazy?" -- Helena
"Yes, I expect so." -- Valentine
"Every time I look in a window, I see someone who isn't me." -- Helena
"How odd. That happens to me all the time. Me. Window. Look through it. Not me. The ones I see myself in are called mirrors." -- Valentine (MirrorMask)
"Right, and you reckon that's the charm, hmm?" -- Minister
"Yes." -- Citizen 1
"I'd have to say, to me, it looks rather like half a brick." -- Minister
"Not really. Well... a bit..." -- Citizen 1
"It is half a brick isn't it?" -- Minister
"Ermmmmm..." -- Citizen 1
"Good try, thanks for coming. Next." -- Minister
"The charm." -- Citizen 2
"No, that's actually a chicken." --Minister
"The charm." -- Citizen 2
"I understand this must be quite painful for you but really it is a chicken." -- Minister
"I keep trying to tell him, he just doesn't listen." -- Chicken (MirrorMask)
Chris: "You look like something out of the Adams Family."
Sam: "Up all night."
Chris: "What was her name?"
Sam: "Migraine."
Chris: "German bird?" (Life on Mars)
Funny in context
"Welcome to stupid," -Nathan Fillion/Johnny Donnelly (Two Guys and a Girl)
"They say Nostradamus died standing up, but I doubt someone who predicted his own death wouldn't have lied down." --Walter Bishop (Fringe)
"Walking is controlled falling." --Ricky Gervais
"They keep saying that sea levels are rising an all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science." --Karl Pilkington (3 Minute Wonder)
"They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?" --Karl Pilkington (3 Minute Wonder)
"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door." --Karl Pilkington (The Ricky Gervais Show 1.6)
"I think it's harder to come up with ideas and solutions now. If these people were around today, they'd struggle. Newton wouldn't be allowed to sit under an apple tree because there'd probably be a Keep Off The Grass sign or apple trees would have fences around them to stop people nicking the apples. And Archimedes wouldn't have a bath due to a water shortage. He'd probably be advised to take a shower because it's better for the environment. And as for running down the street naked, he'd be banged up for that." --Karl Pilkington (Karlology)
"It's not a turkey. It's actually just a really big chicken. And who says wine from a bottle's better than wine from a box?" -Nathan Fillion/Johnny Donnelly (2 Guys and a Girl)
"Chicken doesn't grow in packs. It grows in a fucking bird." -- Robert Llewellyn (Wet Liberal Weekly 20)
"I could really use a vacation being trapped in that musty old mummy movie all this time. Not to mention I haven't had a chance to visit the little boys room in 75 years," --Boris/Tony Jay (Eerie Indiana)
"Death is here. He knows I'm a werewolf; I don't know how he knows that but when I got home he was sitting on my couch watching Lavern and Shirley with Dean," -Tommy Dawkins/Brendan Quinn (big wolf on campus)
"In 1980, I…was…born! When I was five, I poopooed on the bus. Remember!" -Eric/Will (Boy meets world)
"Well the Pope may be French, but Jesus is English!" -Roland (A Knight's Tale)
"See, to me, England was nothing more then a big f***ing American state like North Dakota...or Canada." -- Stevo/Matthew Lillard (SLC Punk)
"No," -- Ashley/Susan Crier"What do you mean, no?" -- Berg/Ryan Reynolds"No. I veto you," -- Ashley"You can't veto me. I'm not Congress," -- Berg (Two Guys and a Girl)
"You might burn up like a cheap Christmas tree," -Chad (SailorMoon)
"I'm 25. I was 24 for a whole year," -Dewey/David Arquette (Scream)
"You know, I was thinking, if this guy ever saw a demon, he'd probably throw a shoe at it and run away. It turned out the shoe part was giving him too much credit," -Cordelia/Charisma Carpenter (Angel)
" Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative!" -Billy/Skeet Ulrich (Scream)
Angel voice: "Say no more. There is still evil afoot and I'm almost out of that Nancy-boy hair gel I like so much. Quickly to the Angel-mobile away!" -Spike/James Marsters (Angel)
"Holy incompatibility Batman!" -Berg/Ryan Reynolds(2 guys and a girl)
"Is it me or did it just get dumb in here?" --Dana Foster/Staci Keanan (Step by Step)
"I've got the poor man's heating. I sit in my apartment with a can of hairspray and Lysol. Come on global warming. We're killing the planet with Lysol! How sad would that be if the world ended because Cousin Al blew off the door to the bathroom. Indirectly, humanity would end because of Taco Bell," -- Lee Camp (Toddler Powered Vehicles)
“Hi ho! Uh…not that you're a…uh…" Status/? (Off Centre)
"I Johnny Donnely take you Sharon Carter to be my lawful wedded bride. To hold and to have. Whether you have money or not. Whether you're feeling not well or well. Until one of us is dead," --Johnny Donnely/Nathan Fillion (2 Guys and a Girl)
"As that Shakespeare dude once said, a friend by any other name would smell as sweet, until death do us part. Aw, that Shakespeare dude was so right!" -Cody Lambert/Sasha Mitchell (Step by Step)
"Better safe than stupid," --Chuck/Fisher Stevens (Early Edition)
"Liver alone. Liver alone. Ow. Li…liver. Liver Alone. It was a joke!" -Stu Macher/Mathew Lillard (Scream)
"AHHH! Dang prairie dog hole!" -Earl Basset/Fred Ward (Tremors)
So I tell him I'm finished working for his stupid chemical company. If he wants to get on TV and say that the hole in the ozone layer is our window to the Lord, be my guest," -Sharon Carter/Traylor Howard(2 guys and a girl)
"Um, there's a little red thingy moving towards a little green thingy. Um, I think we're the little green thingy,"-Guy/Sam Rockwell (Galaxy Quest)
"Back in five minutes? How do you know it's five minutes? You don't even know when they put the sign up! That's silly," -some guy (Lassie)
"I haven't had this much fun in minutes!" -Mr. Mitchell/? (Reboot)
"There are lots of strange people in the world, and most of them are me," -Jamie Kennedy (JKX)
"It's not that I hate farmers. It's just that they're so stupid with their overalls and hats. And every time it rains, they're on TV. Well yeah, there's a flood coming! It floods every year. And you know what they call soda? Pop. You walk into a store and it says club soda, not club pop! I mean they're 40 years behind us," -Andrew Dice Clay (Whatever it Takes)
"I'm sure glad they invented that rubber gripper for toothbrushes because before that, those toothbrushes were flying right out of my hand!" --Lee Camp (comedian)
"If you feel the need to vomit, don't," -Maxine (reboot)
"Me and good ol' Frisket here just kicked Megabyte's bitmap. That's all," -Enzo (Reboot)
"Sorry I'm late, but I wasn't on time," --Collin Mochrie (Who's line is it anyway?)
"Warning this is not a drill. This is a drill. Oh dang, my drill alarm broke again. Awooga!" -Holly/Hattie Hayridge (Red Dwarf)
"It's not as viscous a rumor as the rumor I directed Boy Meets World, but it's up there," -Joss Whedon
"Did you really call the police? My mom and dad are going to be so mad at me!" -Stu Macher/Mathew Lillard (Scream)
"On the plus side, you killed the bench, which was looking kind of shifty," -Oz/Seth Green (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"She looked dead man. She still does!" -Stu/Mathew Lillard (Scream)
"You wobble like a weeble!" -Eric/Will Freidle (Boy Meets World)
"Angel Investigations. We hope you're helpless…no wait…" -Doyle/Glenn Quinn(Angel)
"This is toast from the toaster you sold me, but look. It's not brown. It's not crispy. It's not even toast. It's bread. You sold me a breader," -- Pete/Richard Ruccolo (Two Guys and a Girl)
[Darren answers phone] "I'm sorry, you didn't want to talk to me at the airport yesterday and unfortunately I don't want to talk to you now," -Darren Hayes (Parallel Lives)
"Why does everyone here always slap me?!" -Green/Michael McKean (Clue)
"Do you know what this is? Neither do I. I made it last night in my sleep. I made a button on it. I would press it, but I don't know what will happen if I do," -Gune/John Leganzamos (Titan A.E.)
"As Shakespeare once said, 'Buster! Buster!'" -Edwin/Danny Kaye (Wonder Man)
"I didn't even buy this cereal. I didn't buy this milk that used to be white milk, but now it's chocolate milk because it's cocoapuffs and I've been sitting here for nine hours," --Eric/Will Freidle (Boy Meets World)
"When a crime breaks out all the cute girls shout, get the...Good-Looking Guy. When there's a crime out there, he's gonna...comb his hair, he's the...Good-Looking Guy!" --Eric/Will Freidle (Boy Meets World)
"The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle and the chalice from the palace has the brew that it true. They broke the chalice from the palace! Now the Pellet with the poison is in the flagon with the dragon and the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true," -- Danny Kaye (Court Jester)
"Excuse me, is there a little girls room I could use?" -Peacock
"Oui Oui," -Yvette
"No I just gotta powder my nose," -Peacock (Clue)
"There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense," -Snyder
"No, actually, that would be one of the five," -Giles/Anthony Stewart Head (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"My friend Steve says 'Look! They've got an open latte!' I said, 'Steve, that's open late. You need another T if you want a latte.' He said, 'I don't like tea, I like coffee.'" -- Vince Morris
"When we get out of here, I'll by you 40 bags of Gum drops" -Worth / David Hewlett
"Boxes. Gum drops come in boxes," -Kazan / Andrew Miller (Cube)
"How many of these have you had?" -Pete / Richard Ruccolo
"All different colors all working together! Why can't people get along like Jell-o?" -Mellissa (2 guys and a girl)
"Hey, I'm suppose to be singing with him," -Robert Goulle
"Come on, you've been hogging the machine all night, Goulle," -Pete/Richard Ruccolo (2 guys and a girl)
"That's funny. You're funny. I like it when we say mean things to each other. No, no wait a minute. I like it when I say mean things to you and then you just kind of stare at me and go, 'big words make my head hurt,'" -Ashley/Susan Crier(Two Guys and a Girl)
"I can't run for president because you got a silly rule about having to have actually been born in America and the Pope is out 'cause I heard you actually had to be Catholic. Oh well, I'd rather go out with a bang than be a once-was-burned-out-sell-out-but-still-fabulous-looking-rock-star," -Prota/Phillip Rhys (Zenon the Zequal)
"Will you get to the point?!" -Angel/David Boreanaz
"Yes I will Mr. Get-To-The-Pointy-Pants!" -Host/Andy Hallett (Angel)
"Where are you going?" -Jason/Tim Allen
"To see if there's a pub," -Alexander/Alan Rickman (Galaxy Quest)
"Sharon, the second he sees that tattoo, he's never letting me near anyone he cares about again. I wanted to be the best man at his wedding. I wanted to be Uncle Berg to his kids. He'd say 'no soda' and I'd give them soda. Now no one gets soda," -Berg/Ryan Reynolds (2 guys and a girl)
"By being closer to danger, we'll be furthest from harm; it's the last thing he expects," -Pippin/Billy
"That doesn't make sense to me, but you are very small; perhaps you are right," -tree (The Two Towers)
"I've fallen down and I can't get up!" -Frank/Patrick Duffy
"You think you've got problems? I'm up and I can't fall down!" -Jean Luc/Bronson Pinchot (Step by Step)
"Human beings have neither the moral nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that out." --the voice/Alan Rickman (Dogma)
"I like sporks. They're like spoons, but you can poke people with them." --Ed Robertson
"Of course I tell him that wisdom teeth, along with the appendix, were a mistake God made when he'd had a little too much to drink the night before." --Leonie Messer
"There's a time when you can share and you hold hands and be on the same path. But there's always a fork in the road... at some point. And sometimes you have to go on one part of the fork and they gotta go on the other part of the fork. Or just down the back part of the fork while you go forward. And they're like *sigh* Or they got a salad fork and you have one of the big dinner forks and you have longer to go but they're like done because that's it, they're stuck on a piece of food, that they *sigh*. A desert fork or like one of those, you know small little shrimp forks or crab forks and you're trying to get out a crab. They're like that and you're over here jumping to the huge serving fork or something like that, or a ladle, you know. " --Gherhart/Alan Tudyk (28 Days)
"Grapes are like M&Ms because they're round, they taste good, and they don't melt in your hand. I wonder if they'll ever start making grapes with peanuts in them." --Cody Lambert/Sasha Mitchell (Step by Step)
"What are you doing?" -- Judy / Jami Gertz
"I dropped the remote," -- Bill / Mark Addy
"You dropped it UP the stairs?" -- Judy
"You don't know EVERYTHING about gravity!" -- Bill (Still Standing)
"There's no such thing as gravity; the world just sucks."
"We're gonna eat a dolphin!" -four / Michael Kean
"No you're going to pet a dolphin," -two / Michael Kean (Multiplicity)
"Dear Mr. Henry, Thank you for being honest with me. I know it was hard for you to admit what you'd done, and for that, I am proud of you. I don't need to know what compelled you to heckle "March Of The Penguins", let alone whip Tam Tam Crackers at the screen, but I can't imagine it was worth it. What are you going to do now? Are they flexible at all on your three month ban? I would be happy to talk to them if you want me to. This reminds me of the time you freaked out in the middle of Buckaroo Banzai. Do you remember that? They kicked you out for almost a year then. We really should go down there and talk to them. I think it would help. -- Josh (his blog).
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run away. Death really hates that," -Matt Frewer
"Yeah. Oo and Ah. That's how it always starts. Then later there's the running and the screaming," -Ian Malcolm/Jeff Goldblum (Lost World)
"Yeah, that's how it starts. It's Oo and Ah now, but later there's the barking and the biting," -- Tim/Simon Pegg (Spaced)
"You know it's gonna be cold when the dogs are wearing their d*** sweaters. We're putting sweaters on fur-covered animals! That's like putting a teeny tiny bathing suit on a fish. Dogs in sweaters do nothing but p*** off homeless people," --Lee Camp (Toddler Powered Vehicles)
"Why don't you look where you're going?" -- James Eldridge
"It takes all the fun out of it," --Tim/Simon Pegg (Spaced)
"You can't look where you're going if you don't know where you're going," --junk lady (Labyrinth)
"If the Good Lord had meant for us to worry, He would have given us things to worry about," -- O'Reilly "He has! My wife!" -- Basil Fawlty / John Cleese (Fawlty Towers)
"Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck," -- Joss Whedon
"But I don't just misunderstand people. Some times people misunderstand me. The other day I went into McDonalds and ordered a hamburger. Do you know what the cashier said? She said, "Canada?" Now I don't know if she was trying to pull off the biggest up-sell in the fast food business or what. This guy looks gullible. I'll see if I can sell him Northern North America. That story was so funny, I'll tell it again. But this time, from her perspective. But people don't just misunderstand me. I misunderstand them. The other day this guy came into McDonalds and ordered Canada, but all he wanted was a hamburger. It's not like I was trying to pull off the biggest up-sell in the fast food business or anything," --Isaac Witty
"Addressing you as Thibbledorf, Dark Elf Of Norrath, is simply not going to happen Mr. Henry. You should be thankful I'm calling you that and not many of the things I'm thinking of. You're so lucky that Dr. Wosley knows your obsessive history and brought along five bags of saline. He said your heart rate was almost undetectable. You spent two and half days without sleeping, eating, or drinking and by the grey-green tone of your skin I would venture to guess, rarely getting up from the computer to go to the bathroom. Come to think of it, that means the only thing you ate was that omelet last Friday. Now I understand why you were so giddy that morning, you had already downloaded "Everquest" hadn't you? You were just chomping at the bit to get back to your apartment so you could play. And all along, there I was, just happy you hadn't taken the whole Lincoln Plaza Cinema thing so hard. What a fool I was!" -- Josh Joplin
"I'm going back in the closet where men are empty overcoats," -- Monkey Business
Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
"Ahh, not bad for a man in his Jim-Jams. Very Arthur Dent, now there was a nice man." -- The Doctor/David Tennant (Doctor Who )
"Say what you want about American kids. They're not only lazy. They're dumb too. But I've got a solution for the dumb kid problem. Make Legos popular again. They solve the problem 'cause Legos choke the dumb kids. The smart kids knew not to eat 'em. The dumb kids thought they were Chicklets. Why else would Silly Puddy look like a Cadbury egg?" -- Lee Camp
"Jaywalkers of the World. . . walk on." -- Josh Joplin
"The people I can't comprehend are the people that are hardcore pro-life and hardcore pro-death-penalty. It's like saying don't kill 'em yet. Just wait and see how they turn out first. Let's see if the afterschool program works and if not, then we'll whack 'em. That's not pro-life! That's pro...crastinating." -- Lee Camp
"You've seen the interviews with the guys who've spotted 'em. It's always the same. It's always some guy in the hills of Virginia who's like "I knew it was an alien because it was like nothing I've ever seen before." That don't mean anything! That mean it could be...a book!" -- Lee Camp
"Anyone ever drive with no pants on? It's weird because when I'm driving, I feel like people know. They just kind of give me that look. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Or maybe it's because I'm driving a moped." -- Pete Lee
"I got caught the other day peeing in the shower. Yeah, I thought I could get away with it. But apparently that sort of thing is frowned upon…in Home Depot." -- Pete Lee
"Pay attention to me."
House: "Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you." (House)
"Love? No! Ask anybody. What makes ya rich. Money! I've got two stupid boys." -- Chet (Boy meets world)
"The major problem in modern university is parking, just as the major problem in modern Christianity is evidently bare asses in magazines." -- Michael (Dalva by Jim Harrison pg. 95)
"I heard a crowing that Dalva had said was a cock pheasant. Like roosters, they announced the day--it is rather like a male to announce the obvious." -- Michael (Dalva by Jim Harrison pg. 160)
"My mum always said: 'It's a dog eat dog world, son. You get them before they get you. Eat your greens. Stop embarrassing me in front of the neighbors. Maybe it would best if you leave home and never come back!' She wasn't even my real mum. She bought me from a man." -- Valentine (MirrorMask)
"I find clothes a distraction from the pursuit of spiritual and intellectual fulfillment." -- Enlightened Cat / Danny John Jules
"That's weird, because I find spiritual and intellectual fulfillment a distraction from the pursuit of clothes!" -- Cat / Danny John Jules (Red Dwarf)
"Nice in a bodyguard is about as useful as the ability to regurgitate whole lobsters." -- Marquis de Carabas / Paterson Joseph (Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman)
(introducing himself) "Brian, painter, loser." -- Brian Topp / Mark Heap (Spaced)
"See? You got some oos and ahhs." -- Ashley / Suzanne Cryer
"I'm the wizard of ahhs." -- Pete / Richard Ruccolo (Two Guys and a girl)
"CSI: Cardiff. I'd like to see that. They'd be measuring the velocity of a kebab." -- Andy (Torchwood)
Professor Yana: "[You're] a hermit...with friends?"
Doctor: "Hermits United. We meet up every ten years, talk stories about caves. It's good fun. For a hermit." (Doctor Who, Utopia)
"Mrs. Hopewell had no bad qualities of her own but she was able to use other people's in such a constructive way that she never felt the lack." -- Flannery O'Connor (Good Country People)
"Being gay was a bit like the Olympics: It disappeared in ancient times, and then they brought it back in the twentieth century." -- Maureen (A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby, p. 37)
"Even though our problems had driven us up there, it was as if they had somehow, like Daleks, been unable to climb the stairs." -- Martin (A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby, p. 57)
"Every two minutes or so I turned to pull up the purple octopus doily--yes, one of Mama's wacky creations--that kept sliding down and bunching on my neck like a big ball. I wanted to yell, Why don't you just go ahead and enjoy your furniture? Uncover it! But she would say, "I understand how to keep things new, how to keep things lasting forever, truly a great secret." Recently, she'd even arranged for the funeral home to line her entire casket with plastic, so that she didn't even have to worry about bugs or dirt or anything." -- "The Tequila Worm" by Viola Canales, p. 54
Donna: "Aren't these clothes a bit odd?" Doctor: "Nah. Ancient Rome--everything goes. It's like Soho but bigger." (Doctor Who, Fires of Pompeii)
[Gene pours something clear into another man's beer]
Sam: "I don't think that's ethical."
Gene: "It's not. It's vodka." (Life on Mars)
Marilyn: "Exnay on the ookiemay."
Ryan: "Okayway."
Patrick: "I'm not sure your code is secure."(A Dog's Breakfast)
Dante: "I was totally expecting to see demons and bondage stuff."
Virgil: "This is Hell, Dante, not your personal fantasy." (Dante's Inferno)
Sam: "I think we need to explore whether this attempt at murder was a hate crime."
Gene: "What, as opposed to one of those I really really like you sort of murders?" (Life on Mars)
"Guitarists make guitar noises with their guitars. Making guitar noises with your mouth doesn't count. It's like supporting Arsenal." -- Lenny / David Threfall (Men of the World)
"I lost the plot for a while then. And I lost the subplot, the script, the soundtrack, the intermission, my popcorn, the credits, and the exit sign." -- High Fidelity by Nick Hornby
"They say Nostradamus died standing up, but I doubt someone who predicted his own death wouldn't have lied down." --Walter Bishop (Fringe)
"Walking is controlled falling." --Ricky Gervais
"They keep saying that sea levels are rising an all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science." --Karl Pilkington (3 Minute Wonder)
"They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?" --Karl Pilkington (3 Minute Wonder)
"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door." --Karl Pilkington (The Ricky Gervais Show 1.6)
"I think it's harder to come up with ideas and solutions now. If these people were around today, they'd struggle. Newton wouldn't be allowed to sit under an apple tree because there'd probably be a Keep Off The Grass sign or apple trees would have fences around them to stop people nicking the apples. And Archimedes wouldn't have a bath due to a water shortage. He'd probably be advised to take a shower because it's better for the environment. And as for running down the street naked, he'd be banged up for that." --Karl Pilkington (Karlology)
"It's not a turkey. It's actually just a really big chicken. And who says wine from a bottle's better than wine from a box?" -Nathan Fillion/Johnny Donnelly (2 Guys and a Girl)
"Chicken doesn't grow in packs. It grows in a fucking bird." -- Robert Llewellyn (Wet Liberal Weekly 20)
"I could really use a vacation being trapped in that musty old mummy movie all this time. Not to mention I haven't had a chance to visit the little boys room in 75 years," --Boris/Tony Jay (Eerie Indiana)
"Death is here. He knows I'm a werewolf; I don't know how he knows that but when I got home he was sitting on my couch watching Lavern and Shirley with Dean," -Tommy Dawkins/Brendan Quinn (big wolf on campus)
"In 1980, I…was…born! When I was five, I poopooed on the bus. Remember!" -Eric/Will (Boy meets world)
"Well the Pope may be French, but Jesus is English!" -Roland (A Knight's Tale)
"See, to me, England was nothing more then a big f***ing American state like North Dakota...or Canada." -- Stevo/Matthew Lillard (SLC Punk)
"No," -- Ashley/Susan Crier"What do you mean, no?" -- Berg/Ryan Reynolds"No. I veto you," -- Ashley"You can't veto me. I'm not Congress," -- Berg (Two Guys and a Girl)
"You might burn up like a cheap Christmas tree," -Chad (SailorMoon)
"I'm 25. I was 24 for a whole year," -Dewey/David Arquette (Scream)
"You know, I was thinking, if this guy ever saw a demon, he'd probably throw a shoe at it and run away. It turned out the shoe part was giving him too much credit," -Cordelia/Charisma Carpenter (Angel)
" Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative!" -Billy/Skeet Ulrich (Scream)
Angel voice: "Say no more. There is still evil afoot and I'm almost out of that Nancy-boy hair gel I like so much. Quickly to the Angel-mobile away!" -Spike/James Marsters (Angel)
"Holy incompatibility Batman!" -Berg/Ryan Reynolds(2 guys and a girl)
"Is it me or did it just get dumb in here?" --Dana Foster/Staci Keanan (Step by Step)
"I've got the poor man's heating. I sit in my apartment with a can of hairspray and Lysol. Come on global warming. We're killing the planet with Lysol! How sad would that be if the world ended because Cousin Al blew off the door to the bathroom. Indirectly, humanity would end because of Taco Bell," -- Lee Camp (Toddler Powered Vehicles)
“Hi ho! Uh…not that you're a…uh…" Status/? (Off Centre)
"I Johnny Donnely take you Sharon Carter to be my lawful wedded bride. To hold and to have. Whether you have money or not. Whether you're feeling not well or well. Until one of us is dead," --Johnny Donnely/Nathan Fillion (2 Guys and a Girl)
"As that Shakespeare dude once said, a friend by any other name would smell as sweet, until death do us part. Aw, that Shakespeare dude was so right!" -Cody Lambert/Sasha Mitchell (Step by Step)
"Better safe than stupid," --Chuck/Fisher Stevens (Early Edition)
"Liver alone. Liver alone. Ow. Li…liver. Liver Alone. It was a joke!" -Stu Macher/Mathew Lillard (Scream)
"AHHH! Dang prairie dog hole!" -Earl Basset/Fred Ward (Tremors)
So I tell him I'm finished working for his stupid chemical company. If he wants to get on TV and say that the hole in the ozone layer is our window to the Lord, be my guest," -Sharon Carter/Traylor Howard(2 guys and a girl)
"Um, there's a little red thingy moving towards a little green thingy. Um, I think we're the little green thingy,"-Guy/Sam Rockwell (Galaxy Quest)
"Back in five minutes? How do you know it's five minutes? You don't even know when they put the sign up! That's silly," -some guy (Lassie)
"I haven't had this much fun in minutes!" -Mr. Mitchell/? (Reboot)
"There are lots of strange people in the world, and most of them are me," -Jamie Kennedy (JKX)
"It's not that I hate farmers. It's just that they're so stupid with their overalls and hats. And every time it rains, they're on TV. Well yeah, there's a flood coming! It floods every year. And you know what they call soda? Pop. You walk into a store and it says club soda, not club pop! I mean they're 40 years behind us," -Andrew Dice Clay (Whatever it Takes)
"I'm sure glad they invented that rubber gripper for toothbrushes because before that, those toothbrushes were flying right out of my hand!" --Lee Camp (comedian)
"If you feel the need to vomit, don't," -Maxine (reboot)
"Me and good ol' Frisket here just kicked Megabyte's bitmap. That's all," -Enzo (Reboot)
"Sorry I'm late, but I wasn't on time," --Collin Mochrie (Who's line is it anyway?)
"Warning this is not a drill. This is a drill. Oh dang, my drill alarm broke again. Awooga!" -Holly/Hattie Hayridge (Red Dwarf)
"It's not as viscous a rumor as the rumor I directed Boy Meets World, but it's up there," -Joss Whedon
"Did you really call the police? My mom and dad are going to be so mad at me!" -Stu Macher/Mathew Lillard (Scream)
"On the plus side, you killed the bench, which was looking kind of shifty," -Oz/Seth Green (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"She looked dead man. She still does!" -Stu/Mathew Lillard (Scream)
"You wobble like a weeble!" -Eric/Will Freidle (Boy Meets World)
"Angel Investigations. We hope you're helpless…no wait…" -Doyle/Glenn Quinn(Angel)
"This is toast from the toaster you sold me, but look. It's not brown. It's not crispy. It's not even toast. It's bread. You sold me a breader," -- Pete/Richard Ruccolo (Two Guys and a Girl)
[Darren answers phone] "I'm sorry, you didn't want to talk to me at the airport yesterday and unfortunately I don't want to talk to you now," -Darren Hayes (Parallel Lives)
"Why does everyone here always slap me?!"
"Do you know what this is? Neither do I. I made it last night in my sleep. I made a button on it. I would press it, but I don't know what will happen if I do," -Gune/John Leganzamos (Titan A.E.)
"As Shakespeare once said, 'Buster! Buster!'" -Edwin/Danny Kaye (Wonder Man)
"I didn't even buy this cereal. I didn't buy this milk that used to be white milk, but now it's chocolate milk because it's cocoapuffs and I've been sitting here for nine hours," --Eric/Will Freidle (Boy Meets World)
"When a crime breaks out all the cute girls shout, get the...Good-Looking Guy. When there's a crime out there, he's gonna...comb his hair, he's the...Good-Looking Guy!" --Eric/Will Freidle (Boy Meets World)
"The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle and the chalice from the palace has the brew that it true. They broke the chalice from the palace! Now the Pellet with the poison is in the flagon with the dragon and the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true," -- Danny Kaye (Court Jester)
"Excuse me, is there a little girls room I could use?" -Peacock
"Oui Oui," -Yvette
"No I just gotta powder my nose," -Peacock (Clue)
"There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense," -Snyder
"No, actually, that would be one of the five," -Giles/Anthony Stewart Head (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"My friend Steve says 'Look! They've got an open latte!' I said, 'Steve, that's open late. You need another T if you want a latte.' He said, 'I don't like tea, I like coffee.'" -- Vince Morris
"When we get out of here, I'll by you 40 bags of Gum drops" -Worth / David Hewlett
"Boxes. Gum drops come in boxes," -Kazan / Andrew Miller (Cube)
"How many of these have you had?" -Pete / Richard Ruccolo
"All different colors all working together! Why can't people get along like Jell-o?" -Mellissa (2 guys and a girl)
"Hey, I'm suppose to be singing with him," -Robert Goulle
"Come on, you've been hogging the machine all night, Goulle," -Pete/Richard Ruccolo (2 guys and a girl)
"That's funny. You're funny. I like it when we say mean things to each other. No, no wait a minute. I like it when I say mean things to you and then you just kind of stare at me and go, 'big words make my head hurt,'" -Ashley/Susan Crier
"I can't run for president because you got a silly rule about having to have actually been born in America and the Pope is out 'cause I heard you actually had to be Catholic. Oh well, I'd rather go out with a bang than be a once-was-burned-out-sell-out-but-still-fabulous-looking-rock-star," -Prota/Phillip Rhys (Zenon the Zequal)
"Will you get to the point?!" -Angel/David Boreanaz
"Yes I will Mr. Get-To-The-Pointy-Pants!" -Host/Andy Hallett (Angel)
"Where are you going?" -Jason/Tim Allen
"To see if there's a pub," -Alexander/Alan Rickman (Galaxy Quest)
"Sharon, the second he sees that tattoo, he's never letting me near anyone he cares about again. I wanted to be the best man at his wedding. I wanted to be Uncle Berg to his kids. He'd say 'no soda' and I'd give them soda. Now no one gets soda," -Berg/Ryan Reynolds (2 guys and a girl)
"By being closer to danger, we'll be furthest from harm; it's the last thing he expects," -Pippin/Billy
"That doesn't make sense to me, but you are very small; perhaps you are right," -tree (The Two Towers)
"I've fallen down and I can't get up!" -Frank/Patrick Duffy
"You think you've got problems? I'm up and I can't fall down!" -Jean Luc/Bronson Pinchot (Step by Step)
"Human beings have neither the moral nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that out." --the voice/Alan Rickman (Dogma)
"I like sporks. They're like spoons, but you can poke people with them." --Ed Robertson
"Of course I tell him that wisdom teeth, along with the appendix, were a mistake God made when he'd had a little too much to drink the night before." --Leonie Messer
"There's a time when you can share and you hold hands and be on the same path. But there's always a fork in the road... at some point. And sometimes you have to go on one part of the fork and they gotta go on the other part of the fork. Or just down the back part of the fork while you go forward. And they're like *sigh* Or they got a salad fork and you have one of the big dinner forks and you have longer to go but they're like done because that's it, they're stuck on a piece of food, that they *sigh*. A desert fork or like one of those, you know small little shrimp forks or crab forks and you're trying to get out a crab. They're like that and you're over here jumping to the huge serving fork or something like that, or a ladle, you know. " --Gherhart/Alan Tudyk (28 Days)
"Grapes are like M&Ms because they're round, they taste good, and they don't melt in your hand. I wonder if they'll ever start making grapes with peanuts in them." --Cody Lambert/Sasha Mitchell (Step by Step)
"What are you doing?" -- Judy / Jami Gertz
"I dropped the remote," -- Bill / Mark Addy
"You dropped it UP the stairs?" -- Judy
"You don't know EVERYTHING about gravity!" -- Bill (Still Standing)
"There's no such thing as gravity; the world just sucks."
"We're gonna eat a dolphin!" -four / Michael Kean
"No you're going to pet a dolphin," -two / Michael Kean (Multiplicity)
"Dear Mr. Henry, Thank you for being honest with me. I know it was hard for you to admit what you'd done, and for that, I am proud of you. I don't need to know what compelled you to heckle "March Of The Penguins", let alone whip Tam Tam Crackers at the screen, but I can't imagine it was worth it. What are you going to do now? Are they flexible at all on your three month ban? I would be happy to talk to them if you want me to. This reminds me of the time you freaked out in the middle of Buckaroo Banzai. Do you remember that? They kicked you out for almost a year then. We really should go down there and talk to them. I think it would help. -- Josh (his blog).
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run away. Death really hates that," -Matt Frewer
"Yeah. Oo and Ah. That's how it always starts. Then later there's the running and the screaming," -Ian Malcolm/Jeff Goldblum (Lost World)
"Yeah, that's how it starts. It's Oo and Ah now, but later there's the barking and the biting," -- Tim/Simon Pegg (Spaced)
"You know it's gonna be cold when the dogs are wearing their d*** sweaters. We're putting sweaters on fur-covered animals! That's like putting a teeny tiny bathing suit on a fish. Dogs in sweaters do nothing but p*** off homeless people," --Lee Camp (Toddler Powered Vehicles)
"Why don't you look where you're going?" -- James Eldridge
"It takes all the fun out of it," --Tim/Simon Pegg (Spaced)
"You can't look where you're going if you don't know where you're going," --junk lady (Labyrinth)
"If the Good Lord had meant for us to worry, He would have given us things to worry about," -- O'Reilly "He has! My wife!" -- Basil Fawlty / John Cleese (Fawlty Towers)
"Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck," -- Joss Whedon
"But I don't just misunderstand people. Some times people misunderstand me. The other day I went into McDonalds and ordered a hamburger. Do you know what the cashier said? She said, "Canada?" Now I don't know if she was trying to pull off the biggest up-sell in the fast food business or what. This guy looks gullible. I'll see if I can sell him Northern North America. That story was so funny, I'll tell it again. But this time, from her perspective. But people don't just misunderstand me. I misunderstand them. The other day this guy came into McDonalds and ordered Canada, but all he wanted was a hamburger. It's not like I was trying to pull off the biggest up-sell in the fast food business or anything," --Isaac Witty
"Addressing you as Thibbledorf, Dark Elf Of Norrath, is simply not going to happen Mr. Henry. You should be thankful I'm calling you that and not many of the things I'm thinking of. You're so lucky that Dr. Wosley knows your obsessive history and brought along five bags of saline. He said your heart rate was almost undetectable. You spent two and half days without sleeping, eating, or drinking and by the grey-green tone of your skin I would venture to guess, rarely getting up from the computer to go to the bathroom. Come to think of it, that means the only thing you ate was that omelet last Friday. Now I understand why you were so giddy that morning, you had already downloaded "Everquest" hadn't you? You were just chomping at the bit to get back to your apartment so you could play. And all along, there I was, just happy you hadn't taken the whole Lincoln Plaza Cinema thing so hard. What a fool I was!" -- Josh Joplin
"I'm going back in the closet where men are empty overcoats," -- Monkey Business
Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
"Ahh, not bad for a man in his Jim-Jams. Very Arthur Dent, now there was a nice man." -- The Doctor/David Tennant (Doctor Who )
"Say what you want about American kids. They're not only lazy. They're dumb too. But I've got a solution for the dumb kid problem. Make Legos popular again. They solve the problem 'cause Legos choke the dumb kids. The smart kids knew not to eat 'em. The dumb kids thought they were Chicklets. Why else would Silly Puddy look like a Cadbury egg?" -- Lee Camp
"Jaywalkers of the World. . . walk on." -- Josh Joplin
"The people I can't comprehend are the people that are hardcore pro-life and hardcore pro-death-penalty. It's like saying don't kill 'em yet. Just wait and see how they turn out first. Let's see if the afterschool program works and if not, then we'll whack 'em. That's not pro-life! That's pro...crastinating." -- Lee Camp
"You've seen the interviews with the guys who've spotted 'em. It's always the same. It's always some guy in the hills of Virginia who's like "I knew it was an alien because it was like nothing I've ever seen before." That don't mean anything! That mean it could be...a book!" -- Lee Camp
"Anyone ever drive with no pants on? It's weird because when I'm driving, I feel like people know. They just kind of give me that look. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Or maybe it's because I'm driving a moped." -- Pete Lee
"I got caught the other day peeing in the shower. Yeah, I thought I could get away with it. But apparently that sort of thing is frowned upon…in Home Depot." -- Pete Lee
"Pay attention to me."
House: "Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you." (House)
"Love? No! Ask anybody. What makes ya rich. Money! I've got two stupid boys." -- Chet (Boy meets world)
"The major problem in modern university is parking, just as the major problem in modern Christianity is evidently bare asses in magazines." -- Michael (Dalva by Jim Harrison pg. 95)
"I heard a crowing that Dalva had said was a cock pheasant. Like roosters, they announced the day--it is rather like a male to announce the obvious." -- Michael (Dalva by Jim Harrison pg. 160)
"My mum always said: 'It's a dog eat dog world, son. You get them before they get you. Eat your greens. Stop embarrassing me in front of the neighbors. Maybe it would best if you leave home and never come back!' She wasn't even my real mum. She bought me from a man." -- Valentine (MirrorMask)
"I find clothes a distraction from the pursuit of spiritual and intellectual fulfillment." -- Enlightened Cat / Danny John Jules
"That's weird, because I find spiritual and intellectual fulfillment a distraction from the pursuit of clothes!" -- Cat / Danny John Jules (Red Dwarf)
"Nice in a bodyguard is about as useful as the ability to regurgitate whole lobsters." -- Marquis de Carabas / Paterson Joseph (Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman)
(introducing himself) "Brian, painter, loser." -- Brian Topp / Mark Heap (Spaced)
"See? You got some oos and ahhs." -- Ashley / Suzanne Cryer
"I'm the wizard of ahhs." -- Pete / Richard Ruccolo (Two Guys and a girl)
"CSI: Cardiff. I'd like to see that. They'd be measuring the velocity of a kebab." -- Andy (Torchwood)
Professor Yana: "[You're] a hermit...with friends?"
Doctor: "Hermits United. We meet up every ten years, talk stories about caves. It's good fun. For a hermit." (Doctor Who, Utopia)
"Mrs. Hopewell had no bad qualities of her own but she was able to use other people's in such a constructive way that she never felt the lack." -- Flannery O'Connor (Good Country People)
"Being gay was a bit like the Olympics: It disappeared in ancient times, and then they brought it back in the twentieth century." -- Maureen (A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby, p. 37)
"Even though our problems had driven us up there, it was as if they had somehow, like Daleks, been unable to climb the stairs." -- Martin (A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby, p. 57)
"Every two minutes or so I turned to pull up the purple octopus doily--yes, one of Mama's wacky creations--that kept sliding down and bunching on my neck like a big ball. I wanted to yell, Why don't you just go ahead and enjoy your furniture? Uncover it! But she would say, "I understand how to keep things new, how to keep things lasting forever, truly a great secret." Recently, she'd even arranged for the funeral home to line her entire casket with plastic, so that she didn't even have to worry about bugs or dirt or anything." -- "The Tequila Worm" by Viola Canales, p. 54
Donna: "Aren't these clothes a bit odd?" Doctor: "Nah. Ancient Rome--everything goes. It's like Soho but bigger." (Doctor Who, Fires of Pompeii)
[Gene pours something clear into another man's beer]
Sam: "I don't think that's ethical."
Gene: "It's not. It's vodka." (Life on Mars)
Marilyn: "Exnay on the ookiemay."
Ryan: "Okayway."
Patrick: "I'm not sure your code is secure."(A Dog's Breakfast)
Dante: "I was totally expecting to see demons and bondage stuff."
Virgil: "This is Hell, Dante, not your personal fantasy." (Dante's Inferno)
Sam: "I think we need to explore whether this attempt at murder was a hate crime."
Gene: "What, as opposed to one of those I really really like you sort of murders?" (Life on Mars)
"Guitarists make guitar noises with their guitars. Making guitar noises with your mouth doesn't count. It's like supporting Arsenal." -- Lenny / David Threfall (Men of the World)
"I lost the plot for a while then. And I lost the subplot, the script, the soundtrack, the intermission, my popcorn, the credits, and the exit sign." -- High Fidelity by Nick Hornby
Funny out of context
"You went back in time and left your baby self under a pool table in a cardboard box. You're your own dad." --Rimmer
"So therefore I shouldn't get any Father's Day cards? It's not my fault that due to some time travelly paradoxy sci-fi smeg, I happen to be me own dad." --Lister
(Red Dwarf X, "Fathers and Suns")
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why are shape-shifting soldiers from another universe stealing frozen heads?"
(Fringe)
"We're in Heaven, Sam. Our memories are coming true, Cas is on TV. Finding a road in a closet might be the most normal thing that happens to us today." --Dean (Supernatural)
"You gotta go be gay for that poor dead intern." --Harry (Supernatural)
"You smoked them with the staff of Moses." --Cas
"What the hell kind of fed are you?" --Father (Supernatural)
"Yeah, that's right. The scary man killed the attractive crying man, and then he started to pray." --homeless man (Supernatural)
"If there were an afterlife, I would have to reconsider the engineering design of fridges." --Brian Cox (Carpool)
"You can't be president of the chess club, you can't even run the U.S." (Weird Science)
"How did you get the tiny people to stop singing?" -David Boreanaz/Liam/Angel (Angel)
"You brought a vampire to my brothers bachelor party?!" -some guy (angel)
"It's your brother's graduation. Stop exploding," -Jason Seaver/Alan Thick (Growing Pains)
"The vampire is with you? Then who the hell's the English guy?" --?/? (Angel)
"They rejected the sacred turkey!" --?/Courtaney (So Weird)
"And what I hear, and I hope I'm still dreaming, is the Star Spangled Banner being belted out by a green demon," -Angel/David Boreanaz (Angel)
"Our historical figures are all locked up and my dad won't let 'em go," --Ted/Kenau Reeves (Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure)
"Would you like to see my windshield collection? I have many kinds!" -Phong/Mike (reboot)
"But Daddy, I don't want to flush my poopies. It makes them sad," -kid (Growing Pains)
"We're best friends, doesn't that mean anything to you?" -Pete Dunville/Rich Ruccolo
"Your beard is on my mother!" -Berg/Ryan Reynolds (TGAAG)
“You said get a hobby.” –Carol
"I meant like flower arranging or folk dancing. Not stalking your daughter!" -Frank Lambert (Step by Step)
"How many Sarahs do you think are on this island?" -Ian Malcolm/Jeff Goldblum (Lost World)
"Looks like somebody peed in her Cheerios this morning." -Jamie Kennedy (JKX)
"We're decent people. What is the world coming to? We can't even drive down the highway in our OWN HOUSE!" -Rat Race
"I wear the cheese. The cheese does not wear me," -Cheese man (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"I've been handling refrigerators since I was 15," -Adrian Monk/Tony Shaloub (Monk)
"Did you put her liver in the mailbox cause I heard they found her liver in the mailbox next to her spleen and pancreas," -Randy Meeks/Jamie Kennedy (Scream)
"A haunted toaster. Cool!" -Simon Homes/Justin S (Eerie Indiana)
"All that Nureeking and Hunrunking and just when you expect it to Nureek again, it scroolottles!" -Krissy Kochanski/Chloe Annett (Red Dwarf)
"Do not mock my monkey pants!" -Oz/Seth Green (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"Take that horse and put it back under that idiot!" -King (Court Jester)
"The guy moistens his eyeballs and we're having a meeting over it?" -Xander Harris/Nicholas Brendon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"Chad get out of the d*** trash can!" -Mickey Parke/Alex Solowitz(2ge+her)
"How did I fit all those crayons in my mouth?" -Mertin Dingle/Danny Smith (Big wolf on Campus)
"A little box that goes VST. Just what I've always wanted!" -Kryton/Robert Llewelen (Red Dwarf)
"Back then I was just a regular Fireman. I wasn't even allowed to use the flame thrower!" (F451)
"Look mommy. Firemen. There's going to be a fire!" (F451)
"We're in another world! Carmen Elektra sucked the ring out of my mouth! Poop is disappearing! We're through the looking glass people!" -- Mike/Eddie K Thomas (Off Centre)
"You're going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian," –The Birdcage
"We're a few million miles from Earth in a giant white face. What's impossible?" (Mission to Mars)
"Sorry I mangled your face," -Sidney/Neve Campbell (Scream)
"If Xander kills himself, he's dead!" -Buffy/Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"Your ears! Take off your ears! You don't need two ears!" -Fiery guy (Labyrinth)
"No! I don't want to be a waiter!" -- Valentine (MirrorMask by Neil Gaiman)
"I'm from the Young Drivers of America where our motto is 'My God we're caught in quicksand!'" --Ryan Stiles (Who's line is it anyway?)
"Yeah, that's a fair trade. I get a used TV guide and you get my mother!" -Berg/Ryan Reynolds(TGAAG)
"The kid's . . . in the guerilla cage," --bad guy (Baby's Day Out)
" ' My GPA's too high, my principal is too naked.' You know you really are becoming boring," --Lisa/Vanessa (Weird Science)
"I've been thinking I don't HAVE a brain tumor because you never had a brother!" -Terry/Billy Bob Thornton (Bandits)
"I've never put on pantyhose but it sounds dangerous," --Joe (Princess Diaries)
“Listen Pocahontas, if you don't put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'" --Hank/Jim Carey (Me, Myself, and Irene)
"She's your x-psychiatrist and now she's spray-painting our building?!" -kid/Live
"Who cares what psychiatrists write on walls!" -Jeffrey Goins/Brad Pitt (12 Monkeys)
"I'm a man, not a sponge!" -Brady
"This man wants the same rights as a sponge!" -Drummond (Inherit the Wind)
"The only person I can stand to be around is a neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker," --Buffy/Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"Let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato people and plead for you freedom and you're trying to tell me you're completely sane?” – Rimmer (Red Dwarf)
“Mr. Flibble is very cross," --Rimmer/Chris Barry (Red Dwarf)
"I picked her up, her head fell off, you started to cry!" -Diane/Lauren Ambrose
"I did not cry…much" -Kenny/Seth Green (Can't Hardly Wait)
"Jesus! The camera, hurry!" -Gale/Courtney Cox
"My name isn't Jesus!" -Kenny (Scream)
"I'd ask you to come in but my parents are asleep and there's this crazy French dude running around," -JT Lambert/Brandon Call (Step by Step)
"I am not pretending to be a potato!" --Michael Blake/Richard Ruccolo
"By on Sunday, she's going to marry Mr. Potato Head and then she'll be Mrs. Potato Head and they'll be off together cooking little spuds," --Rene (The One)
"My head. Electricity. AHHHH! My skull's flattening! My eyes rolling off the top of my head! My Head! It's expanding like a balloon! No wait! It's…It's…getting smaller. No bigger than a can of spackle. In the sky! What's that? Flying…man…can…spam…clam…yam! I am what I am! I am a yam!" -Chet / Lee Tergesen (Weird Science)
"Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?" -Wash/Alan Tudyk
"I told him to sit down," -Simon/Sean Maher (Firefly)
"We were up in Heaven, but now we're in the mud. We fell off the wagon. You should have heard the thud." --Loudon Wainwright III (Heaven and Mud)
"Happiness isn't happiness without a violin playing goat," -Julia Roberts/Anna Scott (Notting Hill)
“You blacked out, don't you remember?" -- Kamaji (Spirited Away)
"His pancreas is going to explode because his brain's on fire," -- Cuddy (House)
"Ahh! I'm insane with anger!" -- Graham Hess / Mel Gibson (Signs)
"You can't dangle the bogus carrot of possible reconciliation whilst riding some other donkey!" -- Tim Bisley / Simon Pegg (Spaced)
"She just died, in a natural way, probably through loss of blood." -- Bjartur (Independent People by Halldor Laxness)
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" -- Helena
"Absolutely. If we all had little wheels on our shoes, we could just roll around." -- Valentine (MirrorMask)
"I'm a panther. I shall slip unnoticed through the darkness like a dark, unnoticeable...slippy thing." -- Valentine (MirrorMask)
"I remember I said to him: 'Mr Bagwell, how can a mask know what you need?' And he said: 'Remember Cynthia, I don't know what I'm talking about.'" -- Mrs. Bagwell (MirrorMask)
"Scalpels don't have erasers." -- Berg / Ryan Reynolds (Two Guys and a Girl)
Eugene: "I think it's him -- my alien [...] He couldn't contact me in any other way, so..."
Gary: "So he chose E-Bay?" (Torchwood, "Random Shoes")
"It's hard to hear the story of a love affair between two straight men, one of whom is the most divine woman alive." -- Brian Topp / Mark Heap (Spaced)
"I said I wanted a footballer on a football pitch cake, not a pervert on a park cake." --Kendall / John Simm (Men of the World)
"Dystopia. I had that once. Couldn't eat solids for a week." -- Chris (Ashes to Ashes)
"So therefore I shouldn't get any Father's Day cards? It's not my fault that due to some time travelly paradoxy sci-fi smeg, I happen to be me own dad." --Lister
(Red Dwarf X, "Fathers and Suns")
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why are shape-shifting soldiers from another universe stealing frozen heads?"
(Fringe)
"We're in Heaven, Sam. Our memories are coming true, Cas is on TV. Finding a road in a closet might be the most normal thing that happens to us today." --Dean (Supernatural)
"You gotta go be gay for that poor dead intern." --Harry (Supernatural)
"You smoked them with the staff of Moses." --Cas
"What the hell kind of fed are you?" --Father (Supernatural)
"Yeah, that's right. The scary man killed the attractive crying man, and then he started to pray." --homeless man (Supernatural)
"If there were an afterlife, I would have to reconsider the engineering design of fridges." --Brian Cox (Carpool)
"You can't be president of the chess club, you can't even run the U.S." (Weird Science)
"How did you get the tiny people to stop singing?" -David Boreanaz/Liam/Angel (Angel)
"You brought a vampire to my brothers bachelor party?!" -some guy (angel)
"It's your brother's graduation. Stop exploding," -Jason Seaver/Alan Thick (Growing Pains)
"The vampire is with you? Then who the hell's the English guy?" --?/? (Angel)
"They rejected the sacred turkey!" --?/Courtaney (So Weird)
"And what I hear, and I hope I'm still dreaming, is the Star Spangled Banner being belted out by a green demon," -Angel/David Boreanaz (Angel)
"Our historical figures are all locked up and my dad won't let 'em go," --Ted/Kenau Reeves (Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure)
"Would you like to see my windshield collection? I have many kinds!" -Phong/Mike (reboot)
"But Daddy, I don't want to flush my poopies. It makes them sad," -kid (Growing Pains)
"We're best friends, doesn't that mean anything to you?" -Pete Dunville/Rich Ruccolo
"Your beard is on my mother!" -Berg/Ryan Reynolds (TGAAG)
“You said get a hobby.” –Carol
"I meant like flower arranging or folk dancing. Not stalking your daughter!" -Frank Lambert (Step by Step)
"How many Sarahs do you think are on this island?" -Ian Malcolm/Jeff Goldblum (Lost World)
"Looks like somebody peed in her Cheerios this morning." -Jamie Kennedy (JKX)
"We're decent people. What is the world coming to? We can't even drive down the highway in our OWN HOUSE!" -Rat Race
"I wear the cheese. The cheese does not wear me," -Cheese man (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"I've been handling refrigerators since I was 15," -Adrian Monk/Tony Shaloub (Monk)
"Did you put her liver in the mailbox cause I heard they found her liver in the mailbox next to her spleen and pancreas," -Randy Meeks/Jamie Kennedy (Scream)
"A haunted toaster. Cool!" -Simon Homes/Justin S (Eerie Indiana)
"All that Nureeking and Hunrunking and just when you expect it to Nureek again, it scroolottles!" -Krissy Kochanski/Chloe Annett (Red Dwarf)
"Do not mock my monkey pants!" -Oz/Seth Green (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"Take that horse and put it back under that idiot!" -King (Court Jester)
"The guy moistens his eyeballs and we're having a meeting over it?" -Xander Harris/Nicholas Brendon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"Chad get out of the d*** trash can!" -Mickey Parke/Alex Solowitz(2ge+her)
"How did I fit all those crayons in my mouth?" -Mertin Dingle/Danny Smith (Big wolf on Campus)
"A little box that goes VST. Just what I've always wanted!" -Kryton/Robert Llewelen (Red Dwarf)
"Back then I was just a regular Fireman. I wasn't even allowed to use the flame thrower!" (F451)
"Look mommy. Firemen. There's going to be a fire!" (F451)
"We're in another world! Carmen Elektra sucked the ring out of my mouth! Poop is disappearing! We're through the looking glass people!" -- Mike/Eddie K Thomas (Off Centre)
"You're going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian," –The Birdcage
"We're a few million miles from Earth in a giant white face. What's impossible?" (Mission to Mars)
"Sorry I mangled your face," -Sidney/Neve Campbell (Scream)
"If Xander kills himself, he's dead!" -Buffy/Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"Your ears! Take off your ears! You don't need two ears!" -Fiery guy (Labyrinth)
"No! I don't want to be a waiter!" -- Valentine (MirrorMask by Neil Gaiman)
"I'm from the Young Drivers of America where our motto is 'My God we're caught in quicksand!'" --Ryan Stiles (Who's line is it anyway?)
"Yeah, that's a fair trade. I get a used TV guide and you get my mother!" -Berg/Ryan Reynolds(TGAAG)
"The kid's . . . in the guerilla cage," --bad guy (Baby's Day Out)
" ' My GPA's too high, my principal is too naked.' You know you really are becoming boring," --Lisa/Vanessa (Weird Science)
"I've been thinking I don't HAVE a brain tumor because you never had a brother!" -Terry/Billy Bob Thornton (Bandits)
"I've never put on pantyhose but it sounds dangerous," --Joe (Princess Diaries)
“Listen Pocahontas, if you don't put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'" --Hank/Jim Carey (Me, Myself, and Irene)
"She's your x-psychiatrist and now she's spray-painting our building?!" -kid/Live
"Who cares what psychiatrists write on walls!" -Jeffrey Goins/Brad Pitt (12 Monkeys)
"I'm a man, not a sponge!" -Brady
"This man wants the same rights as a sponge!" -Drummond (Inherit the Wind)
"The only person I can stand to be around is a neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker," --Buffy/Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"Let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato people and plead for you freedom and you're trying to tell me you're completely sane?” – Rimmer (Red Dwarf)
“Mr. Flibble is very cross," --Rimmer/Chris Barry (Red Dwarf)
"I picked her up, her head fell off, you started to cry!" -Diane/Lauren Ambrose
"I did not cry…much" -Kenny/Seth Green (Can't Hardly Wait)
"Jesus! The camera, hurry!" -Gale/Courtney Cox
"My name isn't Jesus!" -Kenny (Scream)
"I'd ask you to come in but my parents are asleep and there's this crazy French dude running around," -JT Lambert/Brandon Call (Step by Step)
"I am not pretending to be a potato!" --Michael Blake/Richard Ruccolo
"By on Sunday, she's going to marry Mr. Potato Head and then she'll be Mrs. Potato Head and they'll be off together cooking little spuds," --Rene (The One)
"My head. Electricity. AHHHH! My skull's flattening! My eyes rolling off the top of my head! My Head! It's expanding like a balloon! No wait! It's…It's…getting smaller. No bigger than a can of spackle. In the sky! What's that? Flying…man…can…spam…clam…yam! I am what I am! I am a yam!" -Chet / Lee Tergesen (Weird Science)
"Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?" -Wash/Alan Tudyk
"I told him to sit down," -Simon/Sean Maher (Firefly)
"We were up in Heaven, but now we're in the mud. We fell off the wagon. You should have heard the thud." --Loudon Wainwright III (Heaven and Mud)
"Happiness isn't happiness without a violin playing goat," -Julia Roberts/Anna Scott (Notting Hill)
“You blacked out, don't you remember?" -- Kamaji (Spirited Away)
"His pancreas is going to explode because his brain's on fire," -- Cuddy (House)
"Ahh! I'm insane with anger!" -- Graham Hess / Mel Gibson (Signs)
"You can't dangle the bogus carrot of possible reconciliation whilst riding some other donkey!" -- Tim Bisley / Simon Pegg (Spaced)
"She just died, in a natural way, probably through loss of blood." -- Bjartur (Independent People by Halldor Laxness)
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" -- Helena
"Absolutely. If we all had little wheels on our shoes, we could just roll around." -- Valentine (MirrorMask)
"I'm a panther. I shall slip unnoticed through the darkness like a dark, unnoticeable...slippy thing." -- Valentine (MirrorMask)
"I remember I said to him: 'Mr Bagwell, how can a mask know what you need?' And he said: 'Remember Cynthia, I don't know what I'm talking about.'" -- Mrs. Bagwell (MirrorMask)
"Scalpels don't have erasers." -- Berg / Ryan Reynolds (Two Guys and a Girl)
Eugene: "I think it's him -- my alien [...] He couldn't contact me in any other way, so..."
Gary: "So he chose E-Bay?" (Torchwood, "Random Shoes")
"It's hard to hear the story of a love affair between two straight men, one of whom is the most divine woman alive." -- Brian Topp / Mark Heap (Spaced)
"I said I wanted a footballer on a football pitch cake, not a pervert on a park cake." --Kendall / John Simm (Men of the World)
"Dystopia. I had that once. Couldn't eat solids for a week." -- Chris (Ashes to Ashes)
Quotes from real life
"Ah, the search for God. And do you know what happens when you find Him? He says, "you're it!" and then it's God's turn to find you." --Jeff Nelson
"I got two birthday presents today, but one ran away," -Lindsey H.
"What kind of present is that?" -Nicole M.
"Well…you remember Hitler?" -Lindsey H.
SECTION: JAEGER AND JAIME
"Mini moomoo," -- Jaeger
"Like a calf?" --Jaime
"Not a baby cow. An old cow who's just smaller than the rest," -- Jaeger
"Aw," --Jaime
"Aw what?" --Jaeger
"Poor wittew cow, not as big as da udders," --Jaime
"If a doily falls in the woods and no one is around, does it make a sound? No because doilies don't make sound," --Jaime
"Because they're not important," -- Jaeger
"It's the last day of the year. I'd better start working on last year's new years resolution." -- Jaeger
"What was it?" --Jaime
"Procrastination." --Jaeger
"You just made that up!" -- Jaime
"Yeah, you're right. It was actually compulsive lying." -- Jaeger
"How'd they make the dog sad?" -Jaime
"They probably sprayed it with water," -Jaeger
"It didn't look wet," -Jaime
"They probably dried it of…….with a porcupine," -Jaeger
"We used to have a boat," -Jaeger
"Jaeger, that was a swimming pool," -Jaime
"Why are baby spoons shaped like a U?" --Jaime
"Because when parents try to get their babies to eat, they make U shapes with their mouths. So the baby mimics them. So the spoon will fit in their mouth.......Although, if they just used a regular spoon, they wouldn't need to make that face," --Jaeger
SECTION: WORDS OF WISDOM FROM TEACHERS
"Mr. Green, what's that big toothpick?" -Sam
"Sam, that's the Washington Monument," -Green
"This book may look thicker than this one, but that's because it is…and the reason for that is that it has more pages," --Siharath
"I can't see you. Therefore…you do not exist!" -Siharath
"A girdle. It's one of those things you slip on…like a sock…with the bottom cut off," -Green
"I can't hear because I can't see," --Washa
"The problem is that Tinkerbelle and the sun are on the same tween," --Walker
"A-U-S? No, there's no such thing," -Mrs. Miller
"Brian, are you ever going to get rid of your gum before I have to tell you to?" --Miller
"It's not gum, it's plastic," --Brian
"You're chewing on plastic? Why are you chewing on plastic?" --Miller
"Because I don't have any gum," --Brian
"Just be patient. Don't be a patient dying in a hospital, but BE patient...Where the hell is it?!" -- Aritan
"We'll go until we…stop and then…we'll be done," -Green
"If you don't vote, you can't complain," -Dr. Horstmeyer
"But we did vote. We made a door and it won! It's Al Gore winning the popular vote over here and we still don't have doughnuts!" -Chris
"Hey Mr. Kellogg," -Joe
"Hey. How you doin'?" -Kellogg
"Fine…you're holding a hack saw…" -Joe
"Remember this: If someone brings you a TV, don't let them take it away again," --Albright
"The ocean is a conspiracy trying to make rivers salty," --Gonzalez
"Get in the Christmas spirit. Give someone a hug or a kiss, but don't give someone a chiapet," --Gonzalez
"Now it smells like French-fried ass." -Teiggs
SECTION: RANDOM STUFF
"We don't have to be proper, we're in a bowling alley!" -Carissa
"Yeah, but [if you're drunk] you don't know you're stealing a motorcycle and hitting a truck!" -Sarah
"She's so evil, she makes Hitler look like Nathan Lane," --Jeff Nelson
"British lobsters with funny haircuts?" -Jaeger
"They don't eat lobster in London," -Jan
"Yeah, they're too hairy," -Jeff
"Those shoes do more for a woman's legs than exercise." --Allie
"And more for her spine than falling out a plane." --Jaime
"Where's the Mayonnaise Lid? I'm not wearing any underpants" -Mary M.
"That's your excuse for everything. 'Your head was in my way'" -Jaeger
"Happiness is like peeing on yourself. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth."
"I got chocolate on my underwear!" -Erin B.
"She's eating my pants!" -Nikki V.
"You should take Spanish because it's easier than French and it'll come in handy because the Mexicans are taking over Wisconsin. That's what my mommy said," --Lindsey
"Anyone can TALK a line of sh**, and anyone can SING like sh**, but if you can get someone to SING a line of sh** and make it sound like MUSIC, then you've GOT something!" -C.P. Roth
"It's like taking money management without money," -Shorty
"Yeah, or aviation without a boat," -Mo
"I have to fix the chicken!" -Jaeger
"You're interrupting the throw of the pig!" -K10
"Hey! Keep your eyes in your own country!" --Courtney
"Can you make that negative three negative?" -Josh
"For the whole hitting you in the face thing, how many people in a group?" --Josh
"I don't like having cauliflower in my shoe," -Nicole
"Look! Flaming bag of poo," -Nicole
"Ooo! Gimme!" -Jolie
"Here's the thing. We're not geeks, we're not jocks, we're not preps. We are our own thing," -Nicole
"We're freaks!" -Jolie
"And we can all say the word 'OH'," -Carissa
"Do you like my hair Dooa? It looks dorky. Dorky!
"Mary get your shoes on," -Dave
"I gotta go pee.
"A book." --Kaleigh
"Yeah, I borrowed it." -Tia
"You what?" -Kaleigh
"I borrowed it," -Tia
"From who?" -Kaleigh
"The library," -Tia
"Oh…but that's so…weird," -Kaleigh
"Why did someone throw a perfectly good piece of pizza in the garbage?" -Sami
"Because it fell on Steve," -Jolie
"I'll eat it!" -Nicole
"Eat your soup or Granny's gonna get the spatula."
"No, don't put the golf ball in the microwave!" -Whitney
"Are you saying Lance was cheating on his girlfriend for his brother?" -Jolie
"Why are we always dyslexic when we have to pick movies?" -- MacKenzie
"You mean indecisive?" -- Kaylee
"I may not have fingernails, but daaamn I've got fingers!" --Ashton
Ryan: "When I was little, I never thought that the Easter bunny might be a thief."
Toby: "Why would he be a thief?"
Ryan: "Because he's got eggs. And he's hiding them."
Toby: "Why wouldn't he have eggs? He's a rabbit!"
"I know why you always get lost! You just don't know which direction you're going in relation to where you want to end up." -- Mrs. G
"Teeter-totters at MY rock concert!" -- Chris
27.3.09
Douglas Adams Quotes
"The only way to get ideas for stories is to drink way too much coffee and buy a desk that doesn't collapse when you beat your head against it," -Douglas Adams
"He suddenly felt rather foolish. He had been imagining, a little wildly, that someone had specifically painted the name of a bisected cat on a signpost on a New Mexican road especially for his benefit." -Douglas Adams (The Salmon of Doubt)
"They hung in the air the exact same way that bricks don't" --book/ Peter Jones (Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy: Douglas Adams)
[Ford and a cute, small robot are falling out of a tall building] "Colin!" Ford bawled.
Colin didn't respond. Ford went cold. Then he suddenly realized that he hadn't told Colin his name was Colin.
"Come up here!" Ford bawled.
They were still descending, but the rate had slowed.
"Up, Colin!" he shouted.
Nothing.
"Your name," shouted Ford, "is Colin. So when I shout 'Up, Colin!' I want you, Colin, to go up. OK? Up, Colin!"
(Mostly Harmless by Douglas Adams)
"What makes you wonder about the nature of this god character is that he creates something [cocoanuts] that is so perfectly designed to be of benefit to human beings and then hangs it twenty feet above their heads on a tree with no branches [...] I can only think that the business with the apple must have upset him more than I realized." -- Douglas Adams (Last Chance to See) p. 47
"Some fish were jumping up the beach and into the tree, which struck me as an odd thing for a fish to do, but I tried not to be judgmental about it." -- Douglas Adams (Last Chance to See) p. 48
"We need to find out what people want from fire." -- marketing director
"Stick it up your nose." -- Ford Prefect
"Which is precisely what we need to know. Do people want fire that that can be fitted nasally?" -- marketing director (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams)
"The human race is currently sitting 'round a bath over there making documentaries about themselves!" -- Ford Prefect (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams)
"The gifts he has brought with him from civilisation turn to dust in his hands as he realizes that everything he has is merely the shadow cast by what he has lost." -- Douglas Adams (Last Chance to See) p. 82
"One conservation worker [...] wondered if the mating call of the male didn't actively repel the female, which is the sort of biological absurdity you otherwise find only in discotheques." ---- Douglas Adams (Last Chance to See) p. 116
Dirk: "Come, Richard. Let us think the unthinkable. Let us do the undoable. Let us even, if time permits, eff the ineffable."
Janice: "Potty mouth." (Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency by Douglas Adams)
"Anything that is in the world when you're born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works. Anything that's invented between when you're fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it. Anything invented after you're thirty-five is against the natural order of things." -- Douglas Adams
"If you've done six impossible things today, why not top it off with breakfast at Milliways, the Restaurant at the end of the Universe," -Book/PeterJones (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"Ford you're turning into a penguin. Stop it!" -Arthur Dent/Simon Jones (Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)
"That is not the point quack. The point is now I am a perfectly safe penguin quack!" -Ford Prefect/David Dixon (Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)
"O Frettled Gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me / As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee / Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes / And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles / lest I rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurgle-cruncheon / See if I don't!" -Geltz/Martin (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"Sorry, did I say something wrong? Pardon me for breathing which I don't do anyway so I don't know why I even bother to say it oh God I'm so depressed," -Marvin/David (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"The slightest thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind." -Prosser/Joe (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so." -Ford/David Dixon
"Life. Don't talk to me about life." --Marvin/David (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"Life, loath it or ignore it, you can't like it," -Marvin/David (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"That is where we have to go. Down into the very depths of time itself where no man has trod these five million years. We are not gonna be great. We are not gonna be amazing. We are gonna be *amazingly* amazing!" -Zaphod/Mark Wing-Davey (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"If there's anything more important than my ego around here, I want it caught and shot now," -Zaphod/Mark Wing-Davey (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"The best drink in existence is the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brain smashed out with a slice of lemon…wrapped around a large gold brick," -announcer/Peter Jones (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"It's the weird color-scheme that freaks me. Every time you try to operate one of these weird black controls, which are labeled in black on a black background, a small black light lights up in black to let you know you've done it!" -Zaphod/Mark Wing-Davey (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"Hey Ford, how many escape capsules are there?" -Zaphod/Mark Wing-Davey
"None," -Ford/David Dixon
"You counted them?" -Zaphod
"Twice," -Ford (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
200. "What's so wrong about being drunk?" -Arthur/Simon Jones
"Ask a glass of water" -Ford/David Dixon (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"You know, it's at times like this, when I'm stuck in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young." -Arthur/Simon Jones
"Why? What did she tell you?" -Ford/David Dixon
"I don't know. I didn't listen." -Arthur/Simon (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"I wonder what will happen if I press this button." -Arthur/Simon Jones
"Don't." -Ford/David Dixon
[Presses it] "Oh." --Arthur
"What happened?" --Ford
"A sign lit up saying "Please do not press this button again." -Arthur (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"So this is it. We're going to die," -Arthur/Simon Jones
"I do wish you would stop saying that," -Ford/David Dixon (Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)
"Do the people out there come to you for help?" -Zarniwoop
"Out where?" -Ruler of the Universe
"Out there," -Zaphod Beeblebrox
"How can you tell there's anything out there? The door is closed," -Ruler of the Universe (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy part TWO - The Restaurant at the end of the Universe)
"Pick up that piece of paper Marvin that's what you say. Here I am the brain the size of a planet and you ask me to pick up a piece of paper. But that's ok, I'm quite used to being humiliated. I can even go stick my head in a bucket of water if you'd like. If that's what you really really want me to do. Would you like me to go stick me head in a bucket of water?" -Marvin
"What did he say?" -Trillion
"Nothing. He just phoned-up to wash his head at us," -Zaphod (Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy)
"But the plans were on display" --Prosser
"I eventually had to go down to the cellar," Arthur
"That's the display department," --Prosser
"With a torch," -Arthur
"The lights had probably gone," --Prosser
"So had the stairs," -Arthur
"But you did see the notice," --Prosser
"Yes. I found it at the bottom of a locked filing cabinet in a disused lavatory with a sign out side the door saying beware of the leopard. Ever thought of going into advertising?" -Arthur. (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"He suddenly felt rather foolish. He had been imagining, a little wildly, that someone had specifically painted the name of a bisected cat on a signpost on a New Mexican road especially for his benefit." -Douglas Adams (The Salmon of Doubt)
"They hung in the air the exact same way that bricks don't" --book/ Peter Jones (Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy: Douglas Adams)
[Ford and a cute, small robot are falling out of a tall building] "Colin!" Ford bawled.
Colin didn't respond. Ford went cold. Then he suddenly realized that he hadn't told Colin his name was Colin.
"Come up here!" Ford bawled.
They were still descending, but the rate had slowed.
"Up, Colin!" he shouted.
Nothing.
"Your name," shouted Ford, "is Colin. So when I shout 'Up, Colin!' I want you, Colin, to go up. OK? Up, Colin!"
(Mostly Harmless by Douglas Adams)
"What makes you wonder about the nature of this god character is that he creates something [cocoanuts] that is so perfectly designed to be of benefit to human beings and then hangs it twenty feet above their heads on a tree with no branches [...] I can only think that the business with the apple must have upset him more than I realized." -- Douglas Adams (Last Chance to See) p. 47
"Some fish were jumping up the beach and into the tree, which struck me as an odd thing for a fish to do, but I tried not to be judgmental about it." -- Douglas Adams (Last Chance to See) p. 48
"We need to find out what people want from fire." -- marketing director
"Stick it up your nose." -- Ford Prefect
"Which is precisely what we need to know. Do people want fire that that can be fitted nasally?" -- marketing director (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams)
"The human race is currently sitting 'round a bath over there making documentaries about themselves!" -- Ford Prefect (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams)
"The gifts he has brought with him from civilisation turn to dust in his hands as he realizes that everything he has is merely the shadow cast by what he has lost." -- Douglas Adams (Last Chance to See) p. 82
"One conservation worker [...] wondered if the mating call of the male didn't actively repel the female, which is the sort of biological absurdity you otherwise find only in discotheques." ---- Douglas Adams (Last Chance to See) p. 116
Dirk: "Come, Richard. Let us think the unthinkable. Let us do the undoable. Let us even, if time permits, eff the ineffable."
Janice: "Potty mouth." (Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency by Douglas Adams)
"Anything that is in the world when you're born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works. Anything that's invented between when you're fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it. Anything invented after you're thirty-five is against the natural order of things." -- Douglas Adams
"If you've done six impossible things today, why not top it off with breakfast at Milliways, the Restaurant at the end of the Universe," -Book/PeterJones (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"Ford you're turning into a penguin. Stop it!" -Arthur Dent/Simon Jones (Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)
"That is not the point quack. The point is now I am a perfectly safe penguin quack!" -Ford Prefect/David Dixon (Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)
"O Frettled Gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me / As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee / Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes / And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles / lest I rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurgle-cruncheon / See if I don't!" -Geltz/Martin (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"Sorry, did I say something wrong? Pardon me for breathing which I don't do anyway so I don't know why I even bother to say it oh God I'm so depressed," -Marvin/David (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"The slightest thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind." -Prosser/Joe (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so." -Ford/David Dixon
"Life. Don't talk to me about life." --Marvin/David (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"Life, loath it or ignore it, you can't like it," -Marvin/David (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"That is where we have to go. Down into the very depths of time itself where no man has trod these five million years. We are not gonna be great. We are not gonna be amazing. We are gonna be *amazingly* amazing!" -Zaphod/Mark Wing-Davey (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"If there's anything more important than my ego around here, I want it caught and shot now," -Zaphod/Mark Wing-Davey (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"The best drink in existence is the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brain smashed out with a slice of lemon…wrapped around a large gold brick," -announcer/Peter Jones (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"It's the weird color-scheme that freaks me. Every time you try to operate one of these weird black controls, which are labeled in black on a black background, a small black light lights up in black to let you know you've done it!" -Zaphod/Mark Wing-Davey (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"Hey Ford, how many escape capsules are there?" -Zaphod/Mark Wing-Davey
"None," -Ford/David Dixon
"You counted them?" -Zaphod
"Twice," -Ford (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
200. "What's so wrong about being drunk?" -Arthur/Simon Jones
"Ask a glass of water" -Ford/David Dixon (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"You know, it's at times like this, when I'm stuck in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young." -Arthur/Simon Jones
"Why? What did she tell you?" -Ford/David Dixon
"I don't know. I didn't listen." -Arthur/Simon (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"I wonder what will happen if I press this button." -Arthur/Simon Jones
"Don't." -Ford/David Dixon
[Presses it] "Oh." --Arthur
"What happened?" --Ford
"A sign lit up saying "Please do not press this button again." -Arthur (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"So this is it. We're going to die," -Arthur/Simon Jones
"I do wish you would stop saying that," -Ford/David Dixon (Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)
"Do the people out there come to you for help?" -Zarniwoop
"Out where?" -Ruler of the Universe
"Out there," -Zaphod Beeblebrox
"How can you tell there's anything out there? The door is closed," -Ruler of the Universe (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy part TWO - The Restaurant at the end of the Universe)
"Pick up that piece of paper Marvin that's what you say. Here I am the brain the size of a planet and you ask me to pick up a piece of paper. But that's ok, I'm quite used to being humiliated. I can even go stick my head in a bucket of water if you'd like. If that's what you really really want me to do. Would you like me to go stick me head in a bucket of water?" -Marvin
"What did he say?" -Trillion
"Nothing. He just phoned-up to wash his head at us," -Zaphod (Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy)
"But the plans were on display" --Prosser
"I eventually had to go down to the cellar," Arthur
"That's the display department," --Prosser
"With a torch," -Arthur
"The lights had probably gone," --Prosser
"So had the stairs," -Arthur
"But you did see the notice," --Prosser
"Yes. I found it at the bottom of a locked filing cabinet in a disused lavatory with a sign out side the door saying beware of the leopard. Ever thought of going into advertising?" -Arthur. (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
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