Religious Quotes

SECTION: INSPIRATIONAL
"Whate'er we leave to God, God does, And blesses us; The work we choose should be our own, God leaves alone." -- Henry David Thoreau (Inspiration)

"There is no neutral exchange. We enhance human dignity or we diminish it." --Brennan Manning

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door and deny him with their life style. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable." --Brennan Manning

"This country is my rock and my soul rolls with my faith in God," -Christian Kane (America High)



SECTION: COMEDY

"On one hand, you have The Theory of Evolution, and on the other side, you have The Theory of Ta-da!" --Robin Ince

[Referring to the way the news reported the Mayan apocalypse] "'The world might be ending in two hours time, but it's not to worry because there's a mountain in France where aliens will come and rescue us.' How can you be saying this seriously, like there's even a one percent chance, like 'Yeah, maybe that could happen'? And they sent a journalist out there. There were about 200 journalists at this mountain. If it was real and aliens did actually come down, the human race would have to be restarted entirely by journalists." --Alex Day (this video)

"What makes you wonder about the nature of this god character is that he creates something [cocoanuts] that is so perfectly designed to be of benefit to human beings and then hangs it twenty feet above their heads on a tree with no branches [...] I can only think that the business with the apple must have upset him more than I realized." -- Douglas Adams (Last Chance to See) p. 47

"Ah, the search for God. And do you know what happens when you find Him? He says, "you're it!" and then it's God's turn to find you." --Jeff Nelson

[discussing Noah and the Ark]
Karl: "There was mud everywhere because the water went down."
Ricky: "Where did the water go?"
Stephen: "Shut up!"
Ricky: "Where did the water go?"
Stephen: "We haven't got time to...!"
Ricky: "It doesn't make sense. If the whole world was flooded, where did the water go?"
Stephen: "We haven't got time for this."
Ricky: "Where did the water go?"
Stephen: "This is mental."
Ricky: "Did they refreeze the ice-caps? What? Tell me."
Karl: "It didn't say. It was a kid's Bible. It wasn't going in depth. It just said 'The water went away.' Right?"
Ricky: "Where?!"
Karl: "It floated off."
(The Ricky Gervais Show)

Ricky Gervais: "Do you think God would like this podcast?"
Karl Pilkington: "Um, well I suppose it just kills half an hour, doesn't it?"
Ricky: Well, yeah but time isn't a problem for God, is it?
Karl: Well yeah, it is because He lives for ages so He needs loads of filler. I bet He's doing stuff that He's thinking 'Well, I'm not really into this but it's something to do.'"
Stephen Merchant: Suduko and stuff.
(The Ricky Gervais Show)

Stephen: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Karl: Is that how it works?
Stephen: "What do you mean?"
Karl: "You hear other things, like you have to go through so many other gates. I can't imagine Him being on the door, is what I'm saying. If He owns the place, what's he doing there?"
(The Ricky Gervais Show)

[reading and commenting on the Bible]
"'In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth, and the earth was without form and void and the darkness was on the face of the deep.' Bit dark. God sorted that out. 'And God said "Let there be light" and there was light.' Ha! Isn't that brilliant? Ay? Oh, come on. That's amazing. He made light up. There was nothing before. It's not like he saw some on holiday and went 'That'd be good back on earth.' He made it up. Do you not...you're...He invented...there was no...There was nothing to go by. It's not like there was twilight and He went 'Let's have that a little bit brighter.' ... Come on, that is amazing! Are you...? Free your minds. Listen. So He did the light--he invented it, which means He created the heaven and the earth in the dark! Fuckin' hell, how good is that?!" --Ricky Gervais (Animals)

"Well the Pope may be French, but Jesus is English!" -Roland/Mark Addy (A Knight's Tale)

"Human beings have neither the moral nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that out." --the voice/Alan Rickman (Dogma)

"Of course I tell him that wisdom teeth, along with the appendix, were a mistake God made when he'd had a little too much to drink the night before." --Leonie Messer

"The major problem in modern university is parking, just as the major problem in modern Christianity is evidently bare asses in magazines." -- Michael (Dalva by Jim Harrison pg. 95)

"If there were an afterlife, I would have to reconsider the engineering design of fridges." --Brian Cox (Carpool)

Enlightened Cat: "I find clothes a distraction from the pursuit of spiritual and intellectual fulfillment."
Cat: "That's weird, because I find spiritual and intellectual fulfillment a distraction from the pursuit of clothes!"
(Red Dwarf)


SECTION: CONTEMPLATIVE

"You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image, when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do." -- Anne Lamott (Bird by Bird)

Zarniwoop: "Do the people out there come to you for help?"
Ruler of the Universe: "Out where?"
Zaphod Beeblebrox: "Out there."
Ruler of the Universe: "How can you tell there's anything out there? The door is closed."
(The Restaurant at the end of the Universe by Douglas Adams)

"The amount of it is, if the majority vote the devil to be God, the minority will live and behave accordingly, trusting that some time or other, by some Speaker's casting vote, perhaps, they may reinstate God. This is the highest principle I can get out or invent for my neighbors." -- Henry David Thoreau (Slavery in Massachusetts)

"Reality is what we take to be true. What we take to be true is what we believe. What we believe is based upon our perceptions. What we perceive depends upon what we look for. What we look for depends upon what we think. What we think depends upon what we perceive. What we perceive determines what we believe. What we believe determines what we take to be true. What we take to be true is our reality." - Gary Zukav