"They say Nostradamus died standing up, but I doubt someone who predicted his own death wouldn't have lied down." --Walter Bishop (Fringe)
"Walking is controlled falling." --Ricky Gervais
"They keep saying that sea levels are rising an all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science." --Karl Pilkington (3 Minute Wonder)
"They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?" --Karl Pilkington (3 Minute Wonder)
"People who live in a glass house have to answer the door." --Karl Pilkington (The Ricky Gervais Show 1.6)
"I think it's harder to come up with ideas and solutions now. If these people were around today, they'd struggle. Newton wouldn't be allowed to sit under an apple tree because there'd probably be a Keep Off The Grass sign or apple trees would have fences around them to stop people nicking the apples. And Archimedes wouldn't have a bath due to a water shortage. He'd probably be advised to take a shower because it's better for the environment. And as for running down the street naked, he'd be banged up for that." --Karl Pilkington (Karlology)
"It's not a turkey. It's actually just a really big chicken. And who says wine from a bottle's better than wine from a box?" -Nathan Fillion/Johnny Donnelly (2 Guys and a Girl)
"Chicken doesn't grow in packs. It grows in a fucking bird." -- Robert Llewellyn (Wet Liberal Weekly 20)
"I could really use a vacation being trapped in that musty old mummy movie all this time. Not to mention I haven't had a chance to visit the little boys room in 75 years," --Boris/Tony Jay (Eerie Indiana)
"Death is here. He knows I'm a werewolf; I don't know how he knows that but when I got home he was sitting on my couch watching Lavern and Shirley with Dean," -Tommy Dawkins/Brendan Quinn (big wolf on campus)
"In 1980, I…was…born! When I was five, I poopooed on the bus. Remember!" -Eric/Will (Boy meets world)
"Well the Pope may be French, but Jesus is English!" -Roland (A Knight's Tale)
"See, to me, England was nothing more then a big f***ing American state like North Dakota...or Canada." -- Stevo/Matthew Lillard (SLC Punk)
"No," -- Ashley/Susan Crier"What do you mean, no?" -- Berg/Ryan Reynolds"No. I veto you," -- Ashley"You can't veto me. I'm not Congress," -- Berg (Two Guys and a Girl)
"You might burn up like a cheap Christmas tree," -Chad (SailorMoon)
"I'm 25. I was 24 for a whole year," -Dewey/David Arquette (Scream)
"You know, I was thinking, if this guy ever saw a demon, he'd probably throw a shoe at it and run away. It turned out the shoe part was giving him too much credit," -Cordelia/Charisma Carpenter (Angel)
" Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative!" -Billy/Skeet Ulrich (Scream)
Angel voice: "Say no more. There is still evil afoot and I'm almost out of that Nancy-boy hair gel I like so much. Quickly to the Angel-mobile away!" -Spike/James Marsters (Angel)
"Holy incompatibility Batman!" -Berg/Ryan Reynolds(2 guys and a girl)
"Is it me or did it just get dumb in here?" --Dana Foster/Staci Keanan (Step by Step)
"I've got the poor man's heating. I sit in my apartment with a can of hairspray and Lysol. Come on global warming. We're killing the planet with Lysol! How sad would that be if the world ended because Cousin Al blew off the door to the bathroom. Indirectly, humanity would end because of Taco Bell," -- Lee Camp (Toddler Powered Vehicles)
“Hi ho! Uh…not that you're a…uh…" Status/? (Off Centre)
"I Johnny Donnely take you Sharon Carter to be my lawful wedded bride. To hold and to have. Whether you have money or not. Whether you're feeling not well or well. Until one of us is dead," --Johnny Donnely/Nathan Fillion (2 Guys and a Girl)
"As that Shakespeare dude once said, a friend by any other name would smell as sweet, until death do us part. Aw, that Shakespeare dude was so right!" -Cody Lambert/Sasha Mitchell (Step by Step)
"Better safe than stupid," --Chuck/Fisher Stevens (Early Edition)
"Liver alone. Liver alone. Ow. Li…liver. Liver Alone. It was a joke!" -Stu Macher/Mathew Lillard (Scream)
"AHHH! Dang prairie dog hole!" -Earl Basset/Fred Ward (Tremors)
So I tell him I'm finished working for his stupid chemical company. If he wants to get on TV and say that the hole in the ozone layer is our window to the Lord, be my guest," -Sharon Carter/Traylor Howard(2 guys and a girl)
"Um, there's a little red thingy moving towards a little green thingy. Um, I think we're the little green thingy,"-Guy/Sam Rockwell (Galaxy Quest)
"Back in five minutes? How do you know it's five minutes? You don't even know when they put the sign up! That's silly," -some guy (Lassie)
"I haven't had this much fun in minutes!" -Mr. Mitchell/? (Reboot)
"There are lots of strange people in the world, and most of them are me," -Jamie Kennedy (JKX)
"It's not that I hate farmers. It's just that they're so stupid with their overalls and hats. And every time it rains, they're on TV. Well yeah, there's a flood coming! It floods every year. And you know what they call soda? Pop. You walk into a store and it says club soda, not club pop! I mean they're 40 years behind us," -Andrew Dice Clay (Whatever it Takes)
"I'm sure glad they invented that rubber gripper for toothbrushes because before that, those toothbrushes were flying right out of my hand!" --Lee Camp (comedian)
"If you feel the need to vomit, don't," -Maxine (reboot)
"Me and good ol' Frisket here just kicked Megabyte's bitmap. That's all," -Enzo (Reboot)
"Sorry I'm late, but I wasn't on time," --Collin Mochrie (Who's line is it anyway?)
"Warning this is not a drill. This is a drill. Oh dang, my drill alarm broke again. Awooga!" -Holly/Hattie Hayridge (Red Dwarf)
"It's not as viscous a rumor as the rumor I directed Boy Meets World, but it's up there," -Joss Whedon
"Did you really call the police? My mom and dad are going to be so mad at me!" -Stu Macher/Mathew Lillard (Scream)
"On the plus side, you killed the bench, which was looking kind of shifty," -Oz/Seth Green (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"She looked dead man. She still does!" -Stu/Mathew Lillard (Scream)
"You wobble like a weeble!" -Eric/Will Freidle (Boy Meets World)
"Angel Investigations. We hope you're helpless…no wait…" -Doyle/Glenn Quinn(Angel)
"This is toast from the toaster you sold me, but look. It's not brown. It's not crispy. It's not even toast. It's bread. You sold me a breader," -- Pete/Richard Ruccolo (Two Guys and a Girl)
[Darren answers phone] "I'm sorry, you didn't want to talk to me at the airport yesterday and unfortunately I don't want to talk to you now," -Darren Hayes (Parallel Lives)
"Why does everyone here always slap me?!"
"Do you know what this is? Neither do I. I made it last night in my sleep. I made a button on it. I would press it, but I don't know what will happen if I do," -Gune/John Leganzamos (Titan A.E.)
"As Shakespeare once said, 'Buster! Buster!'" -Edwin/Danny Kaye (Wonder Man)
"I didn't even buy this cereal. I didn't buy this milk that used to be white milk, but now it's chocolate milk because it's cocoapuffs and I've been sitting here for nine hours," --Eric/Will Freidle (Boy Meets World)
"When a crime breaks out all the cute girls shout, get the...Good-Looking Guy. When there's a crime out there, he's gonna...comb his hair, he's the...Good-Looking Guy!" --Eric/Will Freidle (Boy Meets World)
"The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle and the chalice from the palace has the brew that it true. They broke the chalice from the palace! Now the Pellet with the poison is in the flagon with the dragon and the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true," -- Danny Kaye (Court Jester)
"Excuse me, is there a little girls room I could use?" -Peacock
"Oui Oui," -Yvette
"No I just gotta powder my nose," -Peacock (Clue)
"There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense," -Snyder
"No, actually, that would be one of the five," -Giles/Anthony Stewart Head (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"My friend Steve says 'Look! They've got an open latte!' I said, 'Steve, that's open late. You need another T if you want a latte.' He said, 'I don't like tea, I like coffee.'" -- Vince Morris
"When we get out of here, I'll by you 40 bags of Gum drops" -Worth / David Hewlett
"Boxes. Gum drops come in boxes," -Kazan / Andrew Miller (Cube)
"How many of these have you had?" -Pete / Richard Ruccolo
"All different colors all working together! Why can't people get along like Jell-o?" -Mellissa (2 guys and a girl)
"Hey, I'm suppose to be singing with him," -Robert Goulle
"Come on, you've been hogging the machine all night, Goulle," -Pete/Richard Ruccolo (2 guys and a girl)
"That's funny. You're funny. I like it when we say mean things to each other. No, no wait a minute. I like it when I say mean things to you and then you just kind of stare at me and go, 'big words make my head hurt,'" -Ashley/Susan Crier
"I can't run for president because you got a silly rule about having to have actually been born in America and the Pope is out 'cause I heard you actually had to be Catholic. Oh well, I'd rather go out with a bang than be a once-was-burned-out-sell-out-but-still-fabulous-looking-rock-star," -Prota/Phillip Rhys (Zenon the Zequal)
"Will you get to the point?!" -Angel/David Boreanaz
"Yes I will Mr. Get-To-The-Pointy-Pants!" -Host/Andy Hallett (Angel)
"Where are you going?" -Jason/Tim Allen
"To see if there's a pub," -Alexander/Alan Rickman (Galaxy Quest)
"Sharon, the second he sees that tattoo, he's never letting me near anyone he cares about again. I wanted to be the best man at his wedding. I wanted to be Uncle Berg to his kids. He'd say 'no soda' and I'd give them soda. Now no one gets soda," -Berg/Ryan Reynolds (2 guys and a girl)
"By being closer to danger, we'll be furthest from harm; it's the last thing he expects," -Pippin/Billy
"That doesn't make sense to me, but you are very small; perhaps you are right," -tree (The Two Towers)
"I've fallen down and I can't get up!" -Frank/Patrick Duffy
"You think you've got problems? I'm up and I can't fall down!" -Jean Luc/Bronson Pinchot (Step by Step)
"Human beings have neither the moral nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that out." --the voice/Alan Rickman (Dogma)
"I like sporks. They're like spoons, but you can poke people with them." --Ed Robertson
"Of course I tell him that wisdom teeth, along with the appendix, were a mistake God made when he'd had a little too much to drink the night before." --Leonie Messer
"There's a time when you can share and you hold hands and be on the same path. But there's always a fork in the road... at some point. And sometimes you have to go on one part of the fork and they gotta go on the other part of the fork. Or just down the back part of the fork while you go forward. And they're like *sigh* Or they got a salad fork and you have one of the big dinner forks and you have longer to go but they're like done because that's it, they're stuck on a piece of food, that they *sigh*. A desert fork or like one of those, you know small little shrimp forks or crab forks and you're trying to get out a crab. They're like that and you're over here jumping to the huge serving fork or something like that, or a ladle, you know. " --Gherhart/Alan Tudyk (28 Days)
"Grapes are like M&Ms because they're round, they taste good, and they don't melt in your hand. I wonder if they'll ever start making grapes with peanuts in them." --Cody Lambert/Sasha Mitchell (Step by Step)
"What are you doing?" -- Judy / Jami Gertz
"I dropped the remote," -- Bill / Mark Addy
"You dropped it UP the stairs?" -- Judy
"You don't know EVERYTHING about gravity!" -- Bill (Still Standing)
"There's no such thing as gravity; the world just sucks."
"We're gonna eat a dolphin!" -four / Michael Kean
"No you're going to pet a dolphin," -two / Michael Kean (Multiplicity)
"Dear Mr. Henry, Thank you for being honest with me. I know it was hard for you to admit what you'd done, and for that, I am proud of you. I don't need to know what compelled you to heckle "March Of The Penguins", let alone whip Tam Tam Crackers at the screen, but I can't imagine it was worth it. What are you going to do now? Are they flexible at all on your three month ban? I would be happy to talk to them if you want me to. This reminds me of the time you freaked out in the middle of Buckaroo Banzai. Do you remember that? They kicked you out for almost a year then. We really should go down there and talk to them. I think it would help. -- Josh (his blog).
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run away. Death really hates that," -Matt Frewer
"Yeah. Oo and Ah. That's how it always starts. Then later there's the running and the screaming," -Ian Malcolm/Jeff Goldblum (Lost World)
"Yeah, that's how it starts. It's Oo and Ah now, but later there's the barking and the biting," -- Tim/Simon Pegg (Spaced)
"You know it's gonna be cold when the dogs are wearing their d*** sweaters. We're putting sweaters on fur-covered animals! That's like putting a teeny tiny bathing suit on a fish. Dogs in sweaters do nothing but p*** off homeless people," --Lee Camp (Toddler Powered Vehicles)
"Why don't you look where you're going?" -- James Eldridge
"It takes all the fun out of it," --Tim/Simon Pegg (Spaced)
"You can't look where you're going if you don't know where you're going," --junk lady (Labyrinth)
"If the Good Lord had meant for us to worry, He would have given us things to worry about," -- O'Reilly "He has! My wife!" -- Basil Fawlty / John Cleese (Fawlty Towers)
"Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck," -- Joss Whedon
"But I don't just misunderstand people. Some times people misunderstand me. The other day I went into McDonalds and ordered a hamburger. Do you know what the cashier said? She said, "Canada?" Now I don't know if she was trying to pull off the biggest up-sell in the fast food business or what. This guy looks gullible. I'll see if I can sell him Northern North America. That story was so funny, I'll tell it again. But this time, from her perspective. But people don't just misunderstand me. I misunderstand them. The other day this guy came into McDonalds and ordered Canada, but all he wanted was a hamburger. It's not like I was trying to pull off the biggest up-sell in the fast food business or anything," --Isaac Witty
"Addressing you as Thibbledorf, Dark Elf Of Norrath, is simply not going to happen Mr. Henry. You should be thankful I'm calling you that and not many of the things I'm thinking of. You're so lucky that Dr. Wosley knows your obsessive history and brought along five bags of saline. He said your heart rate was almost undetectable. You spent two and half days without sleeping, eating, or drinking and by the grey-green tone of your skin I would venture to guess, rarely getting up from the computer to go to the bathroom. Come to think of it, that means the only thing you ate was that omelet last Friday. Now I understand why you were so giddy that morning, you had already downloaded "Everquest" hadn't you? You were just chomping at the bit to get back to your apartment so you could play. And all along, there I was, just happy you hadn't taken the whole Lincoln Plaza Cinema thing so hard. What a fool I was!" -- Josh Joplin
"I'm going back in the closet where men are empty overcoats," -- Monkey Business
Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
"Ahh, not bad for a man in his Jim-Jams. Very Arthur Dent, now there was a nice man." -- The Doctor/David Tennant (Doctor Who )
"Say what you want about American kids. They're not only lazy. They're dumb too. But I've got a solution for the dumb kid problem. Make Legos popular again. They solve the problem 'cause Legos choke the dumb kids. The smart kids knew not to eat 'em. The dumb kids thought they were Chicklets. Why else would Silly Puddy look like a Cadbury egg?" -- Lee Camp
"Jaywalkers of the World. . . walk on." -- Josh Joplin
"The people I can't comprehend are the people that are hardcore pro-life and hardcore pro-death-penalty. It's like saying don't kill 'em yet. Just wait and see how they turn out first. Let's see if the afterschool program works and if not, then we'll whack 'em. That's not pro-life! That's pro...crastinating." -- Lee Camp
"You've seen the interviews with the guys who've spotted 'em. It's always the same. It's always some guy in the hills of Virginia who's like "I knew it was an alien because it was like nothing I've ever seen before." That don't mean anything! That mean it could be...a book!" -- Lee Camp
"Anyone ever drive with no pants on? It's weird because when I'm driving, I feel like people know. They just kind of give me that look. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Or maybe it's because I'm driving a moped." -- Pete Lee
"I got caught the other day peeing in the shower. Yeah, I thought I could get away with it. But apparently that sort of thing is frowned upon…in Home Depot." -- Pete Lee
"Pay attention to me."
House: "Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you." (House)
"Love? No! Ask anybody. What makes ya rich. Money! I've got two stupid boys." -- Chet (Boy meets world)
"The major problem in modern university is parking, just as the major problem in modern Christianity is evidently bare asses in magazines." -- Michael (Dalva by Jim Harrison pg. 95)
"I heard a crowing that Dalva had said was a cock pheasant. Like roosters, they announced the day--it is rather like a male to announce the obvious." -- Michael (Dalva by Jim Harrison pg. 160)
"My mum always said: 'It's a dog eat dog world, son. You get them before they get you. Eat your greens. Stop embarrassing me in front of the neighbors. Maybe it would best if you leave home and never come back!' She wasn't even my real mum. She bought me from a man." -- Valentine (MirrorMask)
"I find clothes a distraction from the pursuit of spiritual and intellectual fulfillment." -- Enlightened Cat / Danny John Jules
"That's weird, because I find spiritual and intellectual fulfillment a distraction from the pursuit of clothes!" -- Cat / Danny John Jules (Red Dwarf)
"Nice in a bodyguard is about as useful as the ability to regurgitate whole lobsters." -- Marquis de Carabas / Paterson Joseph (Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman)
(introducing himself) "Brian, painter, loser." -- Brian Topp / Mark Heap (Spaced)
"See? You got some oos and ahhs." -- Ashley / Suzanne Cryer
"I'm the wizard of ahhs." -- Pete / Richard Ruccolo (Two Guys and a girl)
"CSI: Cardiff. I'd like to see that. They'd be measuring the velocity of a kebab." -- Andy (Torchwood)
Professor Yana: "[You're] a hermit...with friends?"
Doctor: "Hermits United. We meet up every ten years, talk stories about caves. It's good fun. For a hermit." (Doctor Who, Utopia)
"Mrs. Hopewell had no bad qualities of her own but she was able to use other people's in such a constructive way that she never felt the lack." -- Flannery O'Connor (Good Country People)
"Being gay was a bit like the Olympics: It disappeared in ancient times, and then they brought it back in the twentieth century." -- Maureen (A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby, p. 37)
"Even though our problems had driven us up there, it was as if they had somehow, like Daleks, been unable to climb the stairs." -- Martin (A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby, p. 57)
"Every two minutes or so I turned to pull up the purple octopus doily--yes, one of Mama's wacky creations--that kept sliding down and bunching on my neck like a big ball. I wanted to yell, Why don't you just go ahead and enjoy your furniture? Uncover it! But she would say, "I understand how to keep things new, how to keep things lasting forever, truly a great secret." Recently, she'd even arranged for the funeral home to line her entire casket with plastic, so that she didn't even have to worry about bugs or dirt or anything." -- "The Tequila Worm" by Viola Canales, p. 54
Donna: "Aren't these clothes a bit odd?" Doctor: "Nah. Ancient Rome--everything goes. It's like Soho but bigger." (Doctor Who, Fires of Pompeii)
[Gene pours something clear into another man's beer]
Sam: "I don't think that's ethical."
Gene: "It's not. It's vodka." (Life on Mars)
Marilyn: "Exnay on the ookiemay."
Ryan: "Okayway."
Patrick: "I'm not sure your code is secure."(A Dog's Breakfast)
Dante: "I was totally expecting to see demons and bondage stuff."
Virgil: "This is Hell, Dante, not your personal fantasy." (Dante's Inferno)
Sam: "I think we need to explore whether this attempt at murder was a hate crime."
Gene: "What, as opposed to one of those I really really like you sort of murders?" (Life on Mars)
"Guitarists make guitar noises with their guitars. Making guitar noises with your mouth doesn't count. It's like supporting Arsenal." -- Lenny / David Threfall (Men of the World)
"I lost the plot for a while then. And I lost the subplot, the script, the soundtrack, the intermission, my popcorn, the credits, and the exit sign." -- High Fidelity by Nick Hornby
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