Ben: All right, I knew him. John Locke was a believer. He was a man of faith. He was a much better man than I'll ever be, and I've very sorry I murdered him.
Lapidus: This is the weirdest damn funeral I've ever been to. (Lost)
Dean (to Cas): You don't watch porn in a room full of dudes, and you don't TALK about it.
[Samuel walks in.]
Samuel: Is this what you boys do? Sit around, watch pornos with angels?
Cas: We're not supposed to talk about it. (Supernatural)
Rob: I just sort of looked at her differently.
Paul: Did she look at you differently?
Rob: No, not in the slightest. I had a moment, but I'm pretty sure she didn't.
Paul: What did she have?
Rob: A Twix.
(Plus One)
Karl Pilkington: I just remember learning at school, they cure cancer.
Stephen Merchant: Jaffa Cakes cure cancer?
Karl: Not, like, fully.
Stephen: Right. They just give some weight to helping.
Karl: Yeah. It will sort of help. If you've got it, you can't say "Right get me a load of Jaffa Cakes," but I think it sort of puts a bit of a stop to it if you haven't got it. It's like having vitamin tablets.
Stephen: Is this medically proven? Should we get Dr. Fox down have to confirm that?
Ricky Gervais: I can't...I actually can't cope. You're just...play a record, play a record.
(The Ricky Gervais Show season 1, episode 10)
"You were gonna kill him!" --Frank Stein/Matt Lawrence"He killed me first!" --Carl/Ryan Reynolds
"You were robbing him!" --Frank
"Do you want to graduate in one or two pieces? Back off!" --Carl (Bolt neck)
"Alright. I'll tell you the truth," -Edwin Dingle/Danny Kaye
"Now you're coming to your senses. Get every word of this Ms. Hutchinson," -O'Bryan
"Well, I went to Smidt's Delicatessen for some potato salad. The harp music made me feel cold and damp and the potato salad turned into Prospect Park and then I jumped off the bus and there was Buster walking in a block of stone because he was dead and the water squirted through his head, but the police man didn't feel him when he kicked him because he was swinging by his tails in a tree. Or that he though he was. Then he put his arm around the girl and she didn't see him but the sailor knocked me down. That's when Buster got inside my body and started to dance," -Edwin
"Holy jumping republicans! Throw this maniac out of here. Throw him in the river. Do anything with him!" -O'Bryan (Wonder Man)
"I knew you were ok. If it were serious the guys at work wouldn't be making jokes about it," -Marty/Tiffani Theisen
"Jokes? What kind of jokes?" -Pete Dunville/Rich Ruccolo
"I can't remember," --Marty
"No, really. What kind of jokes?" -Pete
"What's faster than a baby bear?" --Marty
"I don't know, what?" -Pete
"Not Pete," --Marty
"That's a joke?" -Pete
"Well, it was funny over the loud speaker," --Marty (2 guys and a girl)
"What were you doing?" -- Cooper/Mark-Paul Gosselaar
"Uh, nothing." -- Matt /Corey Page
"You were singing a showtune." --Cooper
"No I wasn't." --Matt
"You can't be suicidal if you're singing showtunes. Look at you. You're not even depressed!" --Cooper
"Yes I am. Look at me, I'm very f***ing depressed." --Matt
"You f***ing poser!" --Cooper
"I am not a f***ing pose..." --Matt
*gasp* "You're not even British!" --Cooper (Dead Man on Campus)
"Oh look, your wallet's out onto the ice!" -Pete/Rich Ruccolo
"Alright, I need a big stick," -Johnny/ Nathan Fillion
"I don't think a stick is gonna reach that," -Berg/Ryan Reynolds
"No! To beat Pete!" -Johnny (Two Guys and a Girl)
"It's two day's 'till Christmas and Sharon's really…screwed. Lost her cushy job, has to sell her car, gonna be a…gardener…" -Berg/Ryan Reynolds
“I'm gonna have a little farm on Fiji. I'm gonna have a sheep and a cow and breed horses." --Lister/Craig Charles
“With a sheep and a cow?”—Rimmer/Chris Barrie
“With horses and horses.”--Lister(Red Dwarf)
"Maybe we slipped into another dimension, like through a portal or something. A space-time continuum. A black hole or a red dwarf. A time warp! Maybe we fell into some sort of time warp. Abducted. Yes! Maybe that's it: we were abducted by aliens and they've taken us back to their planet and put us in some kind of zoo with a sign that says: Don't feed the humans, which is crazy because we'll die, and who's going to want to go to a zoo to see two dead humans? Unless they're going to eat US, but why wouldn't they want to fatten us up before the slaughter? Unless they are feeding us, and we just don't know it, or they're not feeding us and they're just waiting and watching to see how we'll react. What are you doing?!"--Andrew/Andrew Miller"
I'm making a trap!" -- Dave/David Hewlett
"For what?" -- Andrew
"The food! The food, you idiot, the food!" -- Dave (Nothing)
"What's there?" --Peacock
"Nobody," -Plum/Christopher Lloyd
"What do you mean nobody?" -Peacock
"No body. Mr. Body's body. It's gone!" -Plum (Clue)
"AHH!" --Judy/Kirsten Dunst
"What?!" --Alan/Robin Williams
"Nothing!" --Judy
"You don't go 'AHH!' for nothing!" --Alan (Jumanji)
"I'm going to call the thief that stole my cell phone right up and give him a piece of my mind!" -Pete/Richard Ruccolo
"Oh my daddy gave me one of these. But who would be calling me?" -Irene
"Hello?!" -Irene
"Hello? I can't hear over you,"-Pete
"Sorry," -Irene
"Hello? Huh. He hung up," -Pete
"God, you guys are dumb."-Berg/Ryan Reynolds (Two guys and a girl)
"I lost my cell phone," -Sharon/Traylor Howard
"Try calling yourself, maybe it'll ring," -Johnny/Nathan Fillion
"Good idea. I better not answer it. That would really freak me out," -Sharon (TGAAG)
"Please state your name," -Ground Controller
"You're the ground controller? Man, reality sucks," -Cat/Danny John Jules
"You're name is Reality Sucks? I don't have you on my list for clearance Mr. Sucks," -Ground controller
"I'm outta here!" -Cat
"Wait! Come back Mr. Sucks! Come back!" -Ground controller (Red Dwarf)
"Feeling better are we, love?" -Spike/James Marsters
"I'm naming the stars," -Dru/Juliet Landau
"You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also it's day," -Spike
"I can see them. But I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion," -Dru (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"You can't have my shiny thing! I found it. It's my shiny thing," -Cat/Danny John Jules
"What are you dribbling on about?" -Rimmer/Chris Barry
"This is my shiny thing!" -Cat
"It's a yo-yo you modo," -Rimmer
"It does two amazing things. You see on one hand you have the shiny thing up here and the string down here at the bottom…OR! This is the clever part. You have the string up here at the top and the shiny thing down where the string used to be!" -Cat
"You have no idea what that is for, do you?" -Rimmer
"Sure I do grease-stain! You move the shiny thing and…ow! The string is moving! Get the string, get the string!" -Cat
"Hey!" -Cory/Ben Savage
"What are you doing?!" -Shawn/Rider Strong
"I was being you!" -Cory
"That wasn't me. That was Fonzie!" -Shawn (Boy Meets World)
"…identity crisis…" -Wesley/Alexis Denisof
"Look, I'm Angel," -Cordelia/Charisma Carpender
"He doesn't generally spin that much," -Wesley
"I got it. This is Angel. 'No I can't do anything fun today. I have to count my pass sins, then alphabetize them. Oh yeah, and I'm thinking about snapping on Thursday," -Cordelia (Angel)
"An air salon?" -Frank/Patrick Duffy
"No, a air salon. Like the air on your ed. Are you ard of earing?" -Jean-Luc/Bronson Pinchot
"No, I ear perfectly fine," -Frank (Step by Step)
"'Dear Buffy...' Hmmm. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards," -Angel/David Boreanaz
"Why don't you rip her lungs out? That might make an impression," -Spike/James Marsters
"Lacks... poetry," -Angel
"Doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?" -spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"Crap. I've got a husband, lots of little pink children and more money than I can reasonably manage," -Anya/Emma
"That means you're winning," -Xander/Nicholas Brendan
"It does? Oh good, can I trade in the children for more money?" -Anya / Emma Caufeild (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
"Why is everyone so concerned with Berg? Huh? Why isn't anyone concerned about me? You know I'm dealing with a lot of difficult emotions right now. Now will someone please find me a stick and help me pick my underwear out of a tree, I'm late for a train!" -Pete/Richard Ruccolo
"But where are you going?" -Sharon/Traylor Howard
"Albany," -Pete
"What?!" -Sharon
"Susan and I are going to see where we stand," -Pete
"Wow. I bet your brain's no bigger than a pea," -Ashley/Susan Crier
"What I think Ashley means to say is sweety I think you just need to slow down and think about what this will do to your relationship with Berg," -Sharon
"No, what I meant was that if we had a pea and then Pete's brain and compare…" -Ashley
"Ok, thank you!" -Sharon"Berg will get over it. He always does. When he went out with Marty without telling me, I got over it," -Pete
"Really?" -Sharon
"No! But we're still friends!" -Pete (Two Guys and a Girl)
"Dad wake up, it's the gnomes," -kid
"Huh? I don't here any phone. There's no phone," -Dad
"Not the phone, the gnomes," -Kid
"The Gnomes are calling at this hour?" -mom
"They're not calling, they're missing," -kid
"What's missing?" -mom
"Nothing's missing. It's just a dream," -dad
"It's not a dream!" -kid
"I know when something is a dream. Go back to bed," -Dad (Goosebumps)
"He's not pointing at the tick-tock, he's pointing at his boo-boo. He wants his boo-boo," -mom
"I thought he was getting a new boo-boo," -man
"Turn the car around. We're going to the tick-tock to get the boo-boo," -guy (Baby's Day Out)
"Pardon me, is this the bus to Potato Salad?" - Edwin/Danny Kaye
"Whoa, give me that one more time. Slow," -Bus Driver
"I need to get to Prospect Park," -Edwin
"Oh, I thought you said you wanted to go to Potato Salad," -Bus Driver
"I do. Now hurry. I must get to the Buzzy Park," -Edwin
"You live in Brooklin?" -Man
"No," -Edwin
"Then why are you going to Brooklin?" -Man
"I'm not," -Edwin
"The bus is," -Man
"No, it's going to Smidt's Delicatessen," -Edwin
"It is? What for?" -Man
"Potato salad. Potato Salad!" -Edwin (Wonder Man)
"You could have had it, but you didn't have what it takes. An evil hand. I mean who here does? Leon doesn't. Charlie doesn't.
You've got no business…why…why aren't you trying to kill me?" -Lindsey/Christian Kane
"Excuse me, I'm on a case here Lindsey. Does everything always have you be about killing you all the time?" -Angel/David Boreanaz
"I can see you guys got issues, so I'm just gonna…" -Guy
"That's my lead! You're choking MY lead!" -Lindsey
"'He's my lead, he's my lead!' What are we in the school yard here? Look, you wanna get to the bottom of this, you gotta learn to play with others. Ok, look. I'm gonna loosen the rope and you're gonna tell me all about your parolly Bradley Scott," -Angel
"Who?" -Lindsey
"The guy's hand you're wearin' so you might wanna listen up," -Angel
"You don't tell me what to do," Lindsey
"He's so immature," -Angel
"SHUT UP!" -Lindsey (Angel ep. Dead End)
"What are you doing here Dunville?" -Inspector
"It's just that fire fascinates me. How can fire be so beautiful but so hurtful?" -Pete
"Well put," -Inspector
"So, have you found out what started the fire?" -Pete
"Yep. Someone put hazardous cardboard by this furnace. When this baby started up, it was hot time in old town," -Inspector
"Shouldn't the furnace be in the basement?" -Pete
"No, you see there was a wall here and someone put cardboard in the little door here," -Inspector.
"Oh. Oh! OH! So this cardboard could be a shoebox, or a cereal box, or say a smoke detector box…" -Pete
"Good work Dunville. Those are all very good examples of cardboard," Inspector
"So, did you figure out who did it?" -Pete
"No, it could have been anyone," -Inspector
"Oh so, no evidence, case closed right?" -Pete
"I'd say it was either a very clever arsonist or someone who knows nothing about fire prevention," -Inspector
"Suppose that rules out you and me then, huh?" -Pete
"Mitty! What in the violent tarnation are you and that pigeon trying to do?" -Pierce
"Mr. Pierce, you gotta listen to me. I was out there hanging by my hands. A tall doctor pushed me out the window!" -Walter/Danny Kaye
"What's is this insane? What tall doctor?" -Pierce
"The one you sent in to me to tell me the story. He didn't come in to tell me any story. He just came in to push me out the window!" -Walter
"I didn't send anyone in to push you out the window! I've got more important things to do," -Pierce (The Secret Life of Walter Mitty)
"Ashley's pregnant and I'm not the father," -Berg/Ryan Reynolds
"Johnny!"
"Not Johnny! It was Pete!" -Berg/Ryan
"WHAT?!" -Pete/Richard Ruccolo
"Oh Pete, I knew you didn't love me," -Irene
"Irene…now come on…"
"No! I was reaching for a tissue!" -Irene
"What?"
"You lied to us?" -Berg/Ryan Reynolds
"I don't understand. We invited you into our home and gave you dinner. Why would you lie to us and get us al fighting with each other?" -Ashley/Susan Crier
"My version of dinner and a show. Now if you don't mind, I'm off to feed the homeless," -Hobo Chad
"Two Listers? Two Listers and a man with pointy teeth." -Rimmer1/Chris Barry
"Hi." -Lister3/Craig Charles
"Three Listers?! Great, maybe Lister here can pour a drink for Lister and Lister. Rimmer can't have one because he's dead, but I wouldn't mind a drink!" -Rimmer1
"I don't mean to confuse anyone, but I'm the Rimmer from that Listers time. Now listen closely. From here on in, things get just a little complicated," -Rimmer3
"May I just say one thing before we get started? GO AWAY!" -Rimmer1 (Red Dwarf)
"Curt, you don't want to end up like Sadly I'm Bradley," -- Tom / Fab Filippo
"Sadly, I'm Bradley," -- Bradley / Don McKellar
"Yeah, that's pretty funny, huh?" -- Tom
"No. Sadly, I am Bradley," -- Bradley
"Oh, Brad, hi. The receptionist must have..." -- Tom (Waydowntown)
[Chau is trying to organize a protest rally to bring back the recently cancelled TV show "The Education of Max Bickford."] Chau Presley: Check out my sign. [Holds up a sign that reads "We Don't Need No Education!"] Chau Presley: We don't need no education. Get it? *"Education"*, "The Education of Max Bickford".
Euan: But it says we don't need it.
Chau Presley: No it says "We *don't* need *no* education". It's a double negative, which means we *do* need it!
Mike Platt: Chau, I'm not sure how to tell you this but, I think your sign's a little retarded!
Chau Presley: Yeah, retarded. Like a fox!
"If I tell you something weird, will you think I'm crazy?" -- Helena
"Yes, I expect so." -- Valentine
"Every time I look in a window, I see someone who isn't me." -- Helena
"How odd. That happens to me all the time. Me. Window. Look through it. Not me. The ones I see myself in are called mirrors." -- Valentine (MirrorMask)
"Right, and you reckon that's the charm, hmm?" -- Minister
"Yes." -- Citizen 1
"I'd have to say, to me, it looks rather like half a brick." -- Minister
"Not really. Well... a bit..." -- Citizen 1
"It is half a brick isn't it?" -- Minister
"Ermmmmm..." -- Citizen 1
"Good try, thanks for coming. Next." -- Minister
"The charm." -- Citizen 2
"No, that's actually a chicken." --Minister
"The charm." -- Citizen 2
"I understand this must be quite painful for you but really it is a chicken." -- Minister
"I keep trying to tell him, he just doesn't listen." -- Chicken (MirrorMask)
Chris: "You look like something out of the Adams Family."
Sam: "Up all night."
Chris: "What was her name?"
Sam: "Migraine."
Chris: "German bird?" (Life on Mars)
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